Musing

Hi – Some places are just our spiritual homes, no rhyme or reason it just is. I hope you don’t think that’s too new age but since you have had your chakras tuned you might believe me. The photos are awesome. I had an invite to go to the badlands to photograph the full moon, tempting but I have to work. I am beginning to believe that when we start looking through a camera lens we see our surroundings more clearly. Cheers, DB, Calgary

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Aloha Mark, I have been receiving your emails for a few years. I don't have have "time" to read your emails but once in a blue moon I get a momemt and always your writing catches me. Today, we too, are still enjoying the rhythm and the energy of the islands (Maui). Your email caught my eye today as I sometimes see what the weather is doing on your email and it said 83F????I questioned that and had to keep reading. Small world, we are up in Kapalua enjoying our last few days here. The energy in the islands is much closer to what nature intended and maybe through the noise and busy back home, we can't hear the rhythms of nature as we should. The pace in Maui allows us to reconnect to what is most important--those we love, the special moments, a quiet walk with those that are closest to us. Perhaps this should be a reminder that we take these feelings and listen in our hearts for this rhythm back home. Mahalo. Warm Regards, SW, Calgary/Kapalua,HI

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No walk (and sadly, no sunset) for me tonight. My little dog seems unwell and I lack the intrinsic motivation to go anyway..........You wonder why you're able to find peace and creativity on Maui, but not at home. As you alluded to, the answer, I believe, lies within you and how you spend your time. Someone to walk with....your fifth ingredient. Ah, now you have touched the core of things. What is more crucial to happiness than relationship? I am not speaking only of romantic relationship. My close friendships with a few women friends are unspeakably precious to me. Yet of course I still yearn.......as do you. Today's photo had a lot of cloud. I wish you pure blue skies for the remainder of your visit...EA, Vancouver

[published from Maui Kamaole, Kihei, Maui, Hawaii]

when I started these morning missives it was private; in the beginning there were just 7 other people looking over my shoulder as I walked, pondered the day and wrote of it; the group grew, private long ago shifted to public - not without noticing - despite some challenges, this-a-way is better idea by far; my comments, the feedback of readers . . . just there, for anyone to see, for anyone to learn something or not, to like it or not, to leave it or not; exposure this-a- way of what is real, real feelings, real reactions, real impulse floats my boat

overnight cool still hanging (to be 83F again today), barefoot beach walk round trip, cinnamon roll, coffee, solitude, gentled waves lap feet, I-pod decorated walkers nod or mouth 'hello', their feet in cool morning sand, their minds many time zones away; imagine spreading creamy sunshine all over an island shaped cake with a wide spatula, gentle strokes making dips and dives and swirls and piques - that describes this sleepy Maui morn; what could possibly make the world not go perfectly round on a day that starts this-a- way?

metaphors pale - there are few places where you can say 'that's the most gorgeous view I've ever seen' only to find yourself discarding that thought minutes later looking this-a- way or that to utter same words - same furvor; 'twas the case yesterday; I followed the Kula highway past the Haleakala turn-off to find turns (not requiring speed signs because a wreck left there is far better warning; no way to know if decades old or left the road yesterday), suffice to say it is drive slow territory; (picture attached taken from the Kula highway, in the rain, looking NW down on Kihei, the valley, Ma'laaea Bay and with Molokai off to the left)

reader commented this experience can be had anywhere, reinforced by some good points made by EA and BB - points I've pondered too

why is the peace I find here not peace I can find anywhere, at home, over here or over there?

just by spending the time – geography incidental; four ingredients I think – place, time, attitude, mind – come together anywhere; my fifth ingredient - can be present in body or in mind is someone to walk with who wants to hold you; not to be held, not to hold back, but just to be connected . . . it does not always require physical proximity, but so much nicer when it does

clear-thinking, microscopic truth telling, an improved ability to see things more clearly for what they are, my willingness to accept things the way they are – these are learned skills, taught skills; I am indebted to many who helped me this-a- way . . or that

I feel empowered to live it, love it, risk it, reward it . . anywhere I am, every day because wherever I am imagination flows here, creativity flows here; when I am in Maui time slows here . . or at least it seems to pause . . saying where I am, writing what I am doing, feeling what I am, exposing what I am thinking – not just what I see but what I feel – is something I would have described differently to a close confidante than to a stranger a few years ago, whereas now there is no dotted line

this-a- way

aloha

Mark Kolke
224,568

204.0

I too have that special spot...the one I run to when life is out of control. It's Fanny Bay on Vancouver Island and it has the soothing magic of the ocean, the bark of seals, the cry of birds in the wild life sanctuary. My best friend is there and she makes me analyze my wants, my hurts, and helps me celebrate my successes. She too has a rambling big dog, Neelix, who accompanies me/us on those necessary, thought provoking excursions to the beach or the wildlife sanctuary. It bringslife into perspective by it's simplicity and groundedness … the tides, the breezes, sunrise, sunset, SL, Calgary

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Hey Mark - Hi from Kihei - Sorry I've been outa touch lately, lotsa things happening ... So you're here, and at MY beach, give me a buzz sometime... I have to go back and see what you're up to, haven't read thru the musings lately but will try to catch up asap. Obviously something if you are HERE, that's good news in itself... took the leap, great... let's talk... Aloha, NB, Kihei, HI

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Sunset was different tonight. There was a band of gauzy cloud obscuring the sun so it wasn't so much sunset as pink glowfall. When it was done, there was a coral shadow behind the mountains. My watching beach felt different too. Instead of the usual quiet broken only by dog barks and dog calls, there was a family who dragged a picnic table onto the sand, set up a propane BBQ, ate burgers, and played their country music radio station (!) for all the sunset watchers to appreciate (or not). I guess it could have been worse--they might have been partial to rap music......... Like you, I deal with aloneness when I'm there. Most are in couples, mostly youngish. I loved your description of lines and creases being pulled into smiles or twisted toward difficulty. I too like to people watch and speculate on what strangers' lives are really about.... Looking forward to some face-to-face time with you. EA, Vancouver

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Mark, I have always found nature wherever I am to have a beautify of breath taking proportions if you look for it. I spent two years At Majuro Atoll in the Marshall Islands in the South Pacific. The widest part of the Atoll was less than a mile across. The lagoon that was 20 by 8 miles was an azure blue. The coral reefs and the Pacific ocean was a place to explore. Occasionally high tides covered the entire atoll, but it was a symphony of beauty. Almost daily rain showers and towering cumulus clouds brought shinning lights and a cleaning freshness to the air. The isolated beauty was a beauty, FW, Stafford, VA

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Ahh! The sun shines, the breeze tickles the nose, the surf rises and later falls, the footfalls are examined and followed, a mystery is solved. The blue moon appears in the night sky. Once again all is serene in the land of the living. “T", WT, Calgary

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Your quests for this trip were certainly ambitious - lost love and the secret of happiness. Going back in time is interesting to contemplate but is it realistic or even possible? Time causes our memories to smooth the rough edges of issues and shine the happy moments to a warm glow. When we seek to reconnect to something from our past, can we distinguish the unpolished reality of what it was from the version we hold in our memories and which one are we actually attempting to recreate? Experiences, connections with others, world events, aging, learning, growing all have an impact on who we are now. Would any of us give up who we have become to go back and be who we were? But if we don't, can we expect to be able to reconnect with another person at the same level as we did back then? Regardless, it was an interesting experiment and hopefully you are left with some useful information about yourselves and what you are looking for, some good memories and little or no regrets. There is great danger in finding happiness embodied in a place. While I can see that different people feel a greater or lesser connection to different environments, such that they might enjoy living one place over another, an unhappy person takes their unhappiness with them. For the people who make their home in Maui, real life is just as real as it is for those who live in the frozen north or anywhere else on earth. Vacations are an idealized slice of life. The sun sets everywhere. My ex used to rave about sunsets on a beach near his family's cottage in Southern Ontario. They had made a ritual of walking down to the the beach every evening as a family to watch it together. I have seen photographs and experienced them in person and can honestly say that I have seen much better colours more often in Calgary. The difference lies not in the location of the sunset or its comparative beauty but in our receptivenes to actually taking the time to experience the moment. In Calgary I used to drive quite frequently along a ridge late in the day, often at sunset. The same strolling people; couples, families and singles can be seen there absorbing the last rays of the sun. They are to be congratulated for incorporating this moment of peace and serenity into a normal day instead of waiting for their vacation, BB, Calgary

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[published from Maui Kamaole, Kihei, Maui, Hawaii]

high of 83F predicted again today, slight chance of showers, mostly sunny; (photo attached was taken on Monday looking eastward into Paia Bay from Baldwin Park), walking alone . . on any beach anywhere is better than not walking, feeling alone is better than not feeling, being alone is better than not being

I’ve been looking for it here – maybe I’ve found it; you know - the secret of happiness, the joy of life, the essence of living, the ultimate fulfillment of our ultimate desires in the land of promise . . or is that the promised land?

. . in any case, I think we all look for it - the key that unlocks secrets, the deep penetration of our dark inner spaces – the place we go to hide when we are afraid, to brood when we are troubled, to dream when we are inspired, to rise out of when we are driven to action . .

an afternoon well wasted in Maui Meadows yesterday - spent, I was well wasted after 2 hrs. of rigorous work (hers, not mine) on JS's massage table had wrung every ounce of stress leaving me limp, my kneads met; the remains of the day was sleepy slow, filled with a little reading, a
little writing, lots of walking aimlessly on the beach soaking up atmosphere, looking, looking for it

water calm this morning, me too

waves at my feet were about 80 ft. from where they were coming to where I was sitting last night – I went down to watch that last hour beach walkers and, as they approach their ‘denouement’ (in literature - a series of events that follow a dramatic or narrative's climax serving as the conclusion of the story; conflicts resolved, creating normality for the characters – a catharsis . . a release of tension and anxiety, for the reader; dénouement is the unraveling or untying of the complexities of a plot)

the ‘fabulous Maui sunset’ – I went to look for it, but it fizzled, or maybe it didn’t; as a visual experience it was just a waste of camera clicks, but as a human experience it was something else I think I need to repeat before drawing firm conclusions but for now I am convinced I should come to the beach more often at sunset to see what I have been missing

observing beach walkers, couples in particular - it did not seem to matter much that there was little of interest to see on the horizon; the magic (being alone I admit I sensed it too) of walking slowly on the beach, warm water lapping up on toes, the sea coming in for the night while palm fronds sway above, people smiling more easily - relaxation radiating much more than any other time of day on the beach; I made some calls to share the experience with KN and MM . .

I waited and watched - so many do - but it did not come; clouds over Molokai prevented any kind of glorious light show from appearing; I felt somewhat voyeuristic, as I was in for much more than ‘garden variety people watching’ - the looks on faces, the walking close, the stopping, the gestures, the occasional glance at the waves and setting sun – then back to each other gripped in deep talk, calm talk, meaningful talk – I walked among them to hear only tones and inflection, to see lines and creases pulled into smiles or twisted toward difficulty as their words disappeared in the breeze . . heard by the palms perhaps, otherwise just gone with the wind (sorry, I’ll go for the easy pun whenever I can)

someone sent me an email wondering if I was missing Calgary - I didn’t know it was missing, but I’ll be back soon to help you look for it

aloha

Mark Kolke
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Mark, dear Mark... I WOULD say I am sorry for any disappointment you felt in the relationship that wasn't to be, but... do not be disappointed for it will turn out (I am sure) that everything DOES happen for the best and the best for you, my friend, I suspect is yet to come! Some things should NOT be analyzed up and down, backwards and forwards and I think this is one of them. Your pictures are gorgeous and you are enjoying the sun, wind and sand... well, maybe the sun a little too much... so look forward... always forward!, CFT, Houston, TX, P.S. I'm still really missing Gusta

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enjoyed our rendezvous Mark... hope you got your kneads met and then some; chuckle chortle kerfuffle and thanks for the Snoezelen Room ideas... shaloha devaka, JS, Maui Meadows, HI

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Thanks for the call.....I can hear the waves! I still love that place the best!, KN, CamroseKneads met. Once again your word play pleases. Kneading has lovely connotations-- of bread baking on a wintry afternoon and of the body's aches melting away under a skillful kneading hand. You're right, you know, It's simple things we really want. Caring touch, fresh picked fruits, peacefulness, quiet. During tonight's sunset vigil, I thought about stillness. I've never had a talent for it. During meditation times at yoga class I need to swat my busy mind a hundred times a minute. But my nightly walks with Maxwell seem to be helping me get there. Once we reach the off-leash section he gambols and greets. I walk, call him occasionally, and find myself smiling. I know for sure I'm smiling 'cuz other people are smiling back at me. I've always found that smile-begets-smile thing so backasswards. I desperately need a smile from a stranger when I'm feeling down. But no one bestows a smile on a glum face. They save their smiles for a smiler. But who ever said life was fair? EA, Vancouver

[published from Maui Kamaole, Kihei, Maui, Hawaii]

75F, mostly sunny, up t0 83F today, chance of showers; great walk and a phone chat with BB (his favorite beach too) . . nice to catch up; yesterday’s myriad (Memorial Day here) gone, a smattering of familiar faces and some pale-faced newcomers too this morning

needs, kneads . . massage of the body, massage of the mind – who can get too much of that?

I am enjoying trying some breathing techniques I learned yesterday – looking forward to seeing how they help me in a number of pursuits where focus, concentration and clear headed-ness are required; some of the chakra-talk is a little over the top and, in my view, for discarding but that breathing and movement, that's for keeping I think

few things I know are as simple/easy as relaxing here; things like sand and sea, milk and bread, plants and soil . . these are full of science, details, process and complexity, but firstly they are simple – do you see where I am going?

sleep is simple, sometimes complicated by dreams that reflect great fantasies or scary fears, but otherwise simple; sleep is simple here . . . when it comes, it comes – when it is over, it is over; I have an alarm as I do at home – here it is driven by birds, at home it is driven by a dog who needs a walk

time is simple here . . . this place where ‘Maui Time’ has special meaning is a place where 24 hours go by just as quickly as in Calgary, but it seems so much slower here, much simpler too

yesterday exploring, I went to the north shore (that’s the north shore portion of east Maui, which is the south portion of the island) to Baldwin Park Beach - walked course sand there, got wetter than expected as sturdy waves pounded when I least expected; the water seems to have a different rhythm there – met GR (mahalo for your time spent with me) for some great conversation about life on Maui and ‘local conditions’ (photo attached this morning taken from that beach . .looking westward toward Kahului as a plane was taking off, oblivious to a little storm brewing over there)

when I leave Calgary (or any other place I’ve called home) on a trip I don’t get anxious because I know I’ll be coming ‘home’ in a finite period of time; each time I visit Maui there has been a pivotal day, when the count of ‘how many days left’ becomes significant – that day is today; I don’t wish to leave or to do the counting but there is less angst than past visits

I am only leaving for a while, only leaving till I am back again, going away but not really leaving – 4 days including today, then back to Calgary for a while . .

each time I am here I learn some things for the first time – some things I learn to discard, some to embrace, some to explore more deeply, some to appreciate from a different vantagle point

some things are new learning, others, like massage . . knead repeating

easy to get kneads met here, as simple as sleeping well, as simple as breathing well

aloha

Mark Kolke
224,616

202.8

Mark: I hope that as the days go by the feeling of “rightness” for you will remain. I wish you happiness, peace, contentment. And joy. Yes, even joy, MP, Toronto

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Love your musings & would like to be on your e-mail list, ELM, ?

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Haiku will offer you peace perhaps that is what you are yearning for?, GR, Haiku, HI

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Loved your column this morning...could put myself in the scene. I'm assured - you're in a good space. Mind the cut, however. I'm just getting over the assault to my right heel - and that happened the last week of March! The scar will be there forever, I susspet...reminder of a very good time. Kisses, CB, Calgary

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Thanks for including me in the mailing list for your daily musings. They are beautiful thought-rambles that are allowing me to get to know you in a somewhat extraordinary way. I especially liked some of the word play in this last one e.g. the comment about groundedness and about the folks who came round from their flat-earth beliefs. "Forever and always" is familiar to me. But I know it from the Robert Munsch children's book "Love You Forever". Are you familiar with it? It can't be read without tears. It's about the love of a mother for her son. "Forever and always my baby you'll be." My heart goes out to you as you grieve for the renewed relationship that was not to be. We invest such hope in these things. Our feelings run so deep. We can't just shake them off the way my puppy shakes off his bath water. We have to wait for the rivers of emotion to work their way through all their tributaries. Time does heal, though there's always a scar. I've been having lots of thoughts about time and the speed at which it's moving these days. I was thinking about hourglasses. At first the sand moves so slowly from the top chamber to the bottom. There's no rush, it seems. There's so much future. But then after a while (just when does it change?) it seems to speed up, hurtling through the little waist to get to the bottom. Life after 50 seems to be the hurtling stage. And what happens when all the sand has rushed to the bottom? Do we get to start over as someone else somewhere else? Or is it simply time for the next generation to run their course? You got to see the sunrise and I watched an utterly glorious sunset. Walking the puppy in the off-leash part of Spanish Banks Beach. As he chased every other dog and tried to goad them into running in circles, I stared at the shiny-glowy, green-tinged ball that seemed to be descending behind the blurry mountains. The descent, of course, is another illusion. Part of the flat-earth thinking, which is still there in all of us. Tomorrow it will be 26 degrees here. I don't know what that is in Fahrenheit, but I know it will be beautiful. My rhododendrons are in full, sensuous bloom. Please keep sending the musings. EA, Vancouver

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Good afternoon Mark, Irene and I got back from the lake late last night with me in bad shape. I spent the day at the Peter Lougheed to confirm I did not break any bones but may have torn my other rotator cuff. More later. My thoughts are with YOU so let me say I supported you 100% +++ to make this trip and explore the opportunity which is exactly what you did. It so happens that it did not work out; however I gather it was important for both of you to check it out and you did just that. You still have a very special friend. Enjoy your sand and surf and I will look forward to us having breakfast when you are back, JJ, Calgary

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Hi – today was a lovely day. The sky was blue, grass bright fresh green and the wind was the kind that sailors live for. I love those conditions as they make me feel new. They blow the cob webs out of my head. I really liked the picture, it reminded me of Keats on a sunny, windy, wavy day. Cheers, DB, Red Deer

[published from Maui Kamaole, Kihei, Maui, Hawaii]

70F, going to 84F today, slight chance of rain; absolutely spectacular at 5 AM, I was standing outside under a phenomenal star canopy (there is an observatory on Maui, so volume and direction of outdoor night-lighting is restricted); it was silent, still, complete darkness except for that roof; as light slowly appeared, sounds followed ; my today-plan involved a golf booking at Makena, but my cut left foot is not up for it yet, maybe tomorrow or Wed. (photo attached -scroll down- was taken yesterday from the marina at Ma'aleea Bay looking SE across to Kihei/Wailea/Makena)

I accepted it far more easily than I thought it might - there is something about depth and quality of truth that is hard to match with any other experience, but first I needed to know me things; visiting Maui this time was part experiment . . . not all that scientific, designed to test some assumptions, to find out if some things that used to be true still are - some
are, some are not which proves little in the great scheme of things but has brought some profound learning for me; I need to challenge some other 'assumptions' as a result of that learning; I can think of no better time, no better place, no better method

walking a beach or a freshly tilled field - a physical connection to the earth (could we call this being grounded?); tilling the soil or wiggling our feet into the sand . . either way we are connecting ourselves directly to the planet – I don’t mean to play word games with this, but think about it . . . farmers get it, but how can city dwellers; beach walkers get it, but how could fisherman or sailors?

when physically connected to this planet – as opposed to skipping along the surface – are we more deeply engaged, do we feel more a part of it?

my brain is feeling freshly tilled, fresh things un-earthed, some old ones turned under - this is how new growth begins; this is good I think; is it not?

scientists look for things (ie: gravity, speed of light, properties of the elements, equations, formulae) not by thinking them up but by seeing that they are universally true; experimenting to see if there are circumstances in which they are not true, testing assumptions until there is a law or principle that is established – unswerving, something that is true in all cases, at all times, in all ways, always

finding out something is not true – when we have spent a long time thinking it was is challenging; just as it took a while for people to accept that the world was round . . in the end, they came ‘round no matter how firm they were in their flat-earth beliefs

I had something deeply ingrained in my mind; I was certain it was certain only now I know it was neither certain nor true nor universal; it took a long time in the learning but when the learning happened it was very swift

forever and always (FAA) have been words of great meaning to me for a long time – because I accepted they were true and because of my love for the person who coined them; I realize now that nothing is forever unless it is absolutely proven in all conditions . . under all circumstances

like flat-earth believers, it takes time to adjust to an understanding that something I believed in so strongly was based on some faulty assumptions - or maybe it was based on my hope changes that naturally unfold would somehow change in a particular way, mine, simply because I wanted them to

I think I’ll go exploring up-country and over in the Haiku area today; I’ll explore where local farmers connect to the earth to see if I feel grounded there . . . it’s hilly there

I know it won’t be flat

aloha

Mark Kolke
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....you manage to take all of us musers with you each day...in the recesses of your mind...we 'see' with words what you see....we 'feel' with words what you feel.....Thanks for the trip....the journey....it enlightened some of us as well.....Mag

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54 48 - very wet - you made the right choice, TA, Toronto

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Well perhaps our noses delve beyond our understanding. I have never visited the Islands of the South Pacific; but you describe its energy with such compassion. Local folk are often the answer to any traveler. Walk tall my man and many smiles along with connection will strike whatever it is you search for. "T", WT, Calgary

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Hi – I have thought about old loves and wondered what it would be like to go back after all these years. You of course are brave hearted and give it a try. You know me I am not even willing to consider a new interest. I had a brief encounter with a man the other day that made me pull right back to dogs and chocolate. . . . .Thanks for the hug. Hugs for you as well. My brief encounter was at the check out at London Drugs so it wasn’t a deep cut just reaffirmed my suspicions of men… I was just beginning to see men in a more positive light. I am lucky to be surrounded by decent married men at work and of course the residents are great. I love the work. I hope you had a wonderful walk. I am really enjoying the photos. Hope the rest of your holiday is restful, DB, Red DeerI'm glad it was SC (always thought you should give that another try...) and not Ms. Mess. Anyway, I shouldn't be critiquing someone else's choices. Wish I had your capacity to edit out the nasty bits so I could go on loving a few places I've lost. One day, I'll have a friend in Maui. Looking forward to our meeting as a means of advancing that outcome. So go enjoy spectacular, CB, Calgary

[written and published from a condominium at Maui Kamaole, Kihei, Maui, Hawaii]

83F predicted again today (up to 89 yesterday), waves much calmer than yesterday's choppy surf, the beach slower to fill as hotel crews clean the previous night's revelry leavings (today's photo taken looking northbound from the start/finish point of my walk . . the shore line off in the distance is Sugar Beach in the right corner, then the bend takes the road by Ma'alaea Bay on its way up the west side of the island to Lahaina); I've found a solution, I think, for walking thanks to multiple bandage shopping excursions to Long's Drugs (the liquor department is twice the size of the pharmacy), running shoe on one foot, sandal on the other . . wounds seem to be healing

if you live in Maui, where do you go on vacation?

I watch local people go about their business; it seems much like at home . . they wash their car, go shopping, go to work, take care of their domestic lives – the very things I will do here as/when I relocate here; while it is interesting for a short while to chat on a beach or at a fish taco stand with someone from Nashville or Chicago or London, the truly interesting chats are with local people; asking questions like ‘what brought you here?’, ‘why did you stay?’, and ‘what could take you away?’ are interesting in their simplicity and similarity, I sense they are so much calmer than before they came here, reluctant to leave behind that special something that is so hard to define yet so easy to feel

this place transcends many things – it seems to be an escape from reality for some, an escape to reality for others; for some it is heaven, for others it seems to be a spiritual stepping stone of some kind

I must get back to the beach for a while today or tomorrow so I can match my front to my back (medium-crimson from yesterday) side . . for an overall boiled lobster look – not that I need boiling water to sear the surface to seal in the juiciness; yesterday’s lay on the beach was interrupted by high winds that brought the sting of flying sand

my mind is calmer than yesterday . . like the waves; yesterday driven by strong winds that put sand in my face along with the spray, today it is warm water swirling around my ankles . . calmer than before, calmer than I remember in a long while

to those who wrote offering extraordinary supportive thoughts – mahalo, but please understand: revisiting someone dear to explore re-connection of our lives meant the results could be anywhere across the spectrum of possibility

the result is the result, it is the whole result, the right result, the only result . . so that is OK; it leaves a sense of profound rightness that overrides disappointment

while something has been lost – left behind in its proper place and perspective I think – something else has been found; I found it here . . a clarity that eluded me for many years seems to have enveloped me now; I doubt that is because I am here as opposed to having the same experience in some other place . . . but I think this place, this sense of place, has played an important role

I’m calmer than before, the water/wind/waves seem to be calmer too

aloha

Mark Kolke
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Good evening; It is 10:00 pm May 25, and my being blind and deaf seems trivial to the tone of your voice today. Expectations of one's self seldom measure up to our true abilities. Too much interference from all the distractions that complicate our raging emotions. We look and then we leap but we seldom ever measure the consequences of flight. Blood spills, tears flow, , the heart aches. Betrayed by our own undoing. So now we begin again and we learn through our musings. "T", WT, Calgary

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I felt your sadness today. I’m so sorry that things didn’t work out the way you’d hoped. A friend of mine just returned from Paris/Florence. His traveling companion left for home after four days. It started badly when she didn’t even want to visit the Louve, complained about walking anywhere (Paris, for God’s sake!) and smacked him every time he snored. He actually spent one night sleeping in the bathroom. He still enjoyed the rest of his holiday and decided that maybe it was actually better for being alone. So can you and I know you will., SB, Calgary

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....we say a lot of goodbyes... a few are just that... meaningless ... others wrench our guts...saying goodbyes is never easy; ...I am thinking about you.. MH, Calgary

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Mark - Have a safe and peaceful remainder of your trip. I am proud that you made the effort to spend time with your friend. I am sure you have a lot of different feelings and emotions swirling around today. I will be thinking of you. VBL - Englewood, CO

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Mark, so sorry to hear that things are not what you hoped for. I know the feeling all too well, believe me. I wonder sometimes if they really do exist......that something we are longing for......I once got a horoscope that read 'you will never marry again but you will have several great relationships with many wonderful memories to last a lifetime'.......or something like that........I thought 'how depressing' but then again......is it? Sometimes I want to succumb to just being single and doing whatever I want....but then again, there is that part of me that knows I really want 'that one special companion' in my life. Is he out there.......don't know.......or maybe I am just looking in the wrong context? Oh there are plenty of them out there that believe in the constitution of marriage......to someone else! They just don't believe in the sanctity of it! (as evidenced by the ring on their finger) Perhaps 'the plan' for us is something completely different. Perhaps we are thinking all wrong. I am not sure what we should be thinking then.....if someone out there knows what that should be I would appreciate the enlightenment! Well, at least you have (hopefully) many wonderful memories to bring back. That is my focus now.......if nothing else, perhaps I will get to travel and see some of the things I might never have gotten the chance to see. Hopefully a little fun to go with it!! Lol Take care Mark. I will remain hopeful that we all find what we are looking for, happiness in whatever form, AS, Oklahoma City . . PS: I didn't receive a musing for 5/26....could you send me that one? Thanks

[written and published from a condominium at Maui Kamaole, Kihei, Maui, Hawaii]

high 83F, mostly sunny; I went off walking at my usual 6:00AM . . on my return I found it busier than usual – everyone wanting to get a good start on their day (photo today catches a portion of Haleakala at sunrise time looking south easterly across the Blue course at Wailea)

aloha is the word of hello and good-bye, mahalo means thank you

someone who has been a very significant part of my life in many ways for a long time leaves this evening - I’m having difficulty saying or putting down words around how I am feeling today . .

traveling back to another place in time is partly an action of seeing something new – which we did – of re-opening doors and closing them too; memories of times past will always be available with a closed eye . . but that was a different time, a time now clearly in the past

expectations are a peculiar thing – they get in the way sometimes; having them can create difficulty as can not having any at all – I think there is some universality in that; I’ve found things work out differently than I expect sometimes – maybe what has unfolded could have been foreseen, maybe not – but I don’t regret this experience; sure I’d like to take back a few things I said, a few things I did . .

there is a time for beginning, a time for ending, a time for saying hello again and a time for saying good-bye again; I created this situation – I asked for it, I planned it, I made it happen; the stage was set . . I had expectations, perhaps unrealistic ones, but hopeful ones, optimistic ones, ones of achieving some form of answer to longstanding questions; I feel a sense of loss, a sense of failure to realize upon some of those hopes, a sense of clarity of what is real today, a sense of what is fond memory of times behind a door now closed

in varying measures, all of those . .

mahalo, aloha

aloha

Mark Kolke
224,688

203.2

[written and published from a condominium at the Maui Kamaole, Kihei, Maui, Hawaii . . ]

joggers jog, walkers walk – nods, smiles, hellos - dogs chase balls into the surf, I am sure Gusta would love it too; same old gorgeous weather, mostly sunny, 86F predicted; my beach walk this morning was focused most on the uniqueness beneath my feet, more than on the surrounding scenes - sand-artworks of each wave, an imprint left behind, a drizzly trail as unique from the next one as any other, something that lasts a few seconds until the next wave wipes the slate clean . . then a fresh trail of grains leaves the next one just a tad different

yesterday was our ‘drive the road to Hana’ day . . 42 miles, 54 bridges, and 600 hairpin turns – TIMES 2 for the round trip, awesome scenes . . filled late morning and all our afternoon (photo attached today taken from a beach just south of Hana)

I’ve heard/read this quote in many variations; it speaks to me of something I know I do a lot – I run away with an idea, trying a solution on for size without spending enough time really trying hard to define the problem: "If I were given one hour to save the planet, I would spend 59 minutes defining the problem and one minute resolving it." – Albert Einstein

based on notions of how things might be, how things might have been, how things might be again; things don’t always work out the way we expect but, I believe, they always work out for the best in the end

I’ve been looking for something; I’ve not found it - I’ve found some things that are not it, so I must continue searching; maybe it is not here or not there . . or not somewhere else - it does exist, I just know it

uniqueness, an imprint left behind, a drizzly trail of grains; sand in an hourglass, sand on the beach, sand stuck to feet, sand stuck here and there – beach experiences leave sand everywhere, grains in every crevice . . sometimes they are abrasive, sometimes they leave an unmistakable unique trail no one could follow, no one could duplicate – no one should try . . . not now, not for now, not in this place, not at this time

aloha

Mark Kolke
224,712

202.2

Although I can no longer see the sun rise nor the evening sunset; I sense the sand blasting mixed with the lotions. Feeling the warmth of your voice and descriptions, makes the darkness easier to accept. I am blind and hearing impaired, classified deafblind. It happened in 2000. I have had to learn all over again the joys of life from a different perspective. The wind in my hair, the warmth of the sun, the songs of the birds, the comfort of silence along with the hussle of Calgary. The sharp tongue of youth, the wonders of symphony, the real meaning to the written words. The harshness of winter and its hidden beauty, "T", WT, Calgary

...

How's the Promise Land? Hope all is going well for you in paradise. Heard one of the Vocanoes is once again errupting. Hope there are no parallels in that!!! My life continues as a Gong Show...no changes here. Do you ever think that perhaps we delve too deeply into an issue/a situation & totally overanalyze...to the point of provocation in others. You are by nature a very analytical individual ..maybe just be still & thoughtful & enjoy the moment. Truly hope you are having a restful holiday. Think of you often..., JH, Kelowna

...

Gee Mark … I was afraid the vibe I picked up from your last couple of Musings was right … truthfully my heart fell when I got the impression things were not progressing as you hoped (or fantasized might be a better word) … The upside are the “lessons” … sometimes that really is “all there is” … as the song goes. Based on your readers’ comments, know that at least many people from hither and yon are living vicariously with you there in God’s country (have you peeked under your bed to see how crowded it is?) Enjoy …You clearly are making the most of it …, BBB, San Diego

[written and published from a condominium at the Maui Kamaole, Kihei, Maui, Hawaii]

83F predicted again today, so little variation day to day; to the east, the Haleakala
volcano is bathed in sunshine for the 2nd day in a row, looking north, the West Maui
Mountains appear to have the sunshine painted on as while clouds push down from the top; my walk along Wailea beach . . (photo attached today was taken looking northward on Big Beach yesterday - the lava outcropping at the top/left separates Big Beach from Little Beach, the place on the other side where people where a little/lot less to sunbathe; we spent time there amidst the crowd yesterday . . got wet because we parked too near the water and moved up the slope coated in a bizarre slurry of sand and sunscreen)


an exploration day ahead . . in more ways than one; everyone’s truth is unique to them, for them, because of them, in spite of them

no snow here

temperature is fine, heat is great; blips touch down on emotional radar screens – more than sparring, slightly less dangerous than fencing – of thrust and parry, of dig and cut, of lashing out . . or retreating . . or both

turbulence . . in air, in water, in people . . the stirring of the pot; a difficult evening, a challenging morning – words are sometimes blunt instruments, feelings bruise more easily than we often realize; two people seeing one thing the same way at the same time is a rare thing unless neither cares, in which case it is easy

but caring about ourselves, caring about someone else . . then that turbulence thing comes into play – it can turn things upside down at worst, turn tables at least, turn things sideways almost always - like weather, stormy days can be followed by stormy nights – or vice/versa – calm days can often mask a storm brewing; I doubt lab rats would ever volunteer to put themselves into a behavioral experiment – but we higher beings seem to do it voluntarily

an old sore point or a brand new one - did I pick a fight or take the bait, did I call a spade a shovel, was I all wrong or alright, was it true what she said, was it true what he said, was it this, was it that – and what about that other ‘ting ?

relationships with people who matter to us are far easier to talk about than to do, far easier to fix when nothing is the matter, far easier to see when reflected in calm water; turbulence, on this hand, on the other hand . . or the other hand

these dynamics we call relationships - holding up a mirror to someone else – so they can themselves as we see them – very hard to do; holding it up to see ourselves is telling too; are we seeing our truth, their truth or THE truth?

sometimes it snows; it can be chilly overnight but then it often warms up in the morning after a good long walk on the beach

turbulence has settled now, less choppy water ahead . . .

aloha

Mark Kolke
224,736

201.4

Aunt Bertha advises just forgiving each other and wiping the slate clean - She says you can't fix the past, so let it go and see how things are with the people you are NOW. What all this talk of the past does is entrench those feelings and perceptions that were obviously part of a failure or at least that old dream. How about making new dreams and seeing if those bring better results? Aunt Bertha, CH, Chimicum, WA

...

Mmmm Cinnamon. Not sure how I got on the list but I have enjoyed reading these emails. Normally at this time of year I am there with my family staying just a few doors down from the plaza and on many occasions have had the rolls not too long after my run up and through Wailea and back in the mornings. Not the best thing for after a run but hey, it gives me something to work off the next morning. I see you were in Kapalua yesterday but no mention of golf to be found, I guess you got that out of your system earlier this year. Keep sending the pictures as I will provide them to my family as they will have to wait until next year to see the live version as our plans are taking us in a completely different direction this year, Regards. FR, ?

...

Are you enjoying Maui?? Kinda jealous . . , LR, Calgary

...

The snow arrived at about 10:30pm last night, we were all at Jamison's in the N.E. having wings and beer when the white stuff came knocking at the door. But it is our ritual after the company overview to meet up at our local pub for wings and beer to discuss upcoming events, anyhow, just to let you know that you left Calgary at a very good time, enjoy the sun, beach, sand and rays, soak up as much of it as possible, and just have fun. Later. TS Calgary

...

To subscribe (free) at any time; write to musing@maxcomm.ca ©2007 MaxComm Communications, all rights reserved.

[written and published from a condominium at the Maui Kamaole, Kihei, Maui, Hawaii . . ]

a 'first light' bird chorus arrived at 5:42AM; 72F when we headed out for our walk at 6AM,
83F predicted today as we took nicked blistered feet for a soft sand workout at Big Beach in Makena State Park; solitude there, pounding waves . . . one moment the surf is barely touching toes, the next moment waste high froth surrounds you, then aprez walk people watching where rich and famous or unknown, destined for Cinnamon Roll Fair (under Denny's) in Kihei or upstairs for Denny-fare; we stayed grounded with a sugar-fix that should last a couple of days

we went to Kapalua at the north end of the island yesterday, mahi-mahi lunch at the Plantation Golf Course restaurant (scroll down to see photo of a beach view near there), t-shirt shopping at Lahaina, salmon dinner at the condo and watching some TV rounded the day’s acivities

more talk is far more likely to produce more questions than it is answers; more talk, more talk, more talk . . is like holding a clump of wet beach in your hand is like the pinch point of an hourglass, no way to stop it, no way to hold back inevitability, no way to know . .

uncompromisingly clear at moments, fuzzy at others; we question, we answer, we get clearer and clearer - I’m in paradise with a beautiful woman, why should my thoughts be of anything else?

I pose questions, get answers I don’t totally like; I pose them differently over and over and come to realize I can get and give answers that are real – real for me, real for someone else – real; we talk of times past, of times present – of times that never were and times that might have been – we are who we are

some things can never be resolved, put right, fixed or forgot . . . some might; we know ourselves so much better than we used to, we know each other much less than we used to but we are trying to unpack old baggage to be present – to be right here, right now; to talk of compromise or not, now or not, of then and way back when and when tomorrow comes

tomorrow there will be more, meanwhile we’ll keep rolling

this afternoon is ‘do a little work’ and go to the beach time . .

aloha

Mark Kolke
224,760

202.2

For the beautiful screensaver that accompanied yesterday's "musings." The picture is gorgeous and I am truly enjoying it. Thanks again, CFT, Houston

...

Love your blog. But I’m not sure how I got on your distribution list. It just started showing up one day. Thought the blog is nice. I really don’t have time to read your blog each day, and would appreciate being removed from your subscription list. When I have time, I’ll look it up on blogspot, AC, Tampa, FL

...

I too was in Makawao yesterday... fun to think of someone I only know vicariously -weaving their way through my island path. Enjoy the mana (and I don't mean the health food store, a favorite spot...well go on enjoy that too!). OK off to Makawao once again for a client or two then up to Kula and back to the peace of the north shore, and Haiku...Aloha, GR, Haiku, HI

...

Hi Mark, Your timing was perfect. It’s only 13 degrees here today, supposedly 8 tomorrow, 9 the next day and snow again on Friday. Lucky you! Enjoy, SB, Calgary

[written and published from a condominium at the Maui Kamaole, Kihei, Maui, Hawaii . . ]

high of 83F predicted today; sunny, a little hazy, light breeze, (photo attached taken walking northbound coming back from the Fairmont this morning), abrasive sand and feet adjusting to new sandals have produced assorted nicks, blisters and hot spots (on our feet, the sandals are fine)

barefoot is best for now

when I walk, no different at home, I try to find messages/solutions in the beautiful simplicity of nature – you know, a reference point, a metaphoric picture show . . some days I see that, some days I just see shore, some days I just see sand, some days I just see water; they are one, they are continuous, they do not take firm positions – it seems to have worked for them for millions of years – perhaps that could work with people?

do you remember what you did 15 yrs ago, why you did it or how you felt?

some things are vivid as yesterday, some fuzzy, some no doubt convenient recollections; this process of re-discovery is not simple; not sure how we are doing but I like the walks, I like most of the talks, I like most of the memories - this doesn’t feel like therapy but it is; I called this meeting, not sure if we have an agreed agenda yet, but the ice-breaker and get acquainted activities seem to be going well; we are treading softly . . barefoot is best for now, no pressure points to irritate an already sore spot

yesterday’s visit to Makawao (mack-a-wow), quaint artsy-fartsy town up-country, shops and galleries were fun + fabulous lunch at Café del Sol in the courtyard surrounded by galleries was great – recommend Caesar salad (month’s supply of garlic in every serving) with Cajun spiced Ono fish; my picture of the purple tree did not turn out . . I’ll have to find a more photogenic one and better light

this afternoon will be explore the north end of the island – driving is easier on the feet, we’ll probably walk a beach or two as well . . barefoot is best for now

aloha

Mark Kolke
224,784

202.2

Your picture is very beautiful... stunning, even, and I am so very, very jealous of you, but won't hold it against you as jealousy is my problem not yours. I hope you have a truly wonderful R&R... I continue to enjoy "musings"... they never get old to me. Geez, I sure miss Gusta!, Thank you, CFT, Houston

...

Aloha, Mai! Hope you arrived safely and soundly. Sounds as though you brought company? Have a wonderful vacation. Fond Aloha, PDL, Lahaina

[written and published from a condominium at the Maui Kamaole, Kihei, Maui, Hawaii . . and published much later because internet service was down]

travel notes from Sunday: bumped into Vegas bound muser MK in Calgary airport– nice to see you Mike; spectacular scenery north of San Francisco, plane change there followed by 5 ½ hours looking at the Pacific through assorted veils of cloud spots, then nothing, then cloud spots again, endless expanse of volume without landmarks, peaceful; great in-flight movie –The Painted Veil, based on W. Somerset Maugham’s novel, set in 1920s China . . spectacular scenery, great Bethune-esque story, pretty good acting too; smooth trouble free (thanks DL) trip; arrival here began with unwind lunch at Cheeseburger Restaurant in Wailea, stocking up at Star Market and Who Cut The Cheese, check in and getting my computer on-line here, thanks WB - your help (sorry to ring you at the campground in Drumheller but that’s what you get for having your phone forwarded) + the Oceanic Time Warner help desk got me connected; sleep deprivation + 4 hr. time change produced numbing exhaustion, solved with a great mattress and A/C

clear, calm, high around 83 predicted today . . chance of rain 20%, we rose at 5:30 Maui Standard time (9:30 Calgary time), thousands of birds in full throated wake-up mode; fortified with one cup of Kona before walking, we headed to my favourite beach . .walked from the Five Palms southward (scroll down to get the picture) to the Fairmont (a stop there for coffee and apple Danish and good talk) and back again; this walk is the simplest and purest way to span the distance from Kihei to Makena; a finite physical distance but walkers, tai-chi folks doing their thing, scuba-students preparing – we all look out at these beautiful waves bringing this endless expanse of volume to the shore of this place where the term paradise must have begun because it seems so defining

when water meets sand meets feet it welcomes all whether wandering/wondering aimlessly or in deep thought, early morning is mostly strange faces in various stages from pale trough to a 3 week tan – we are obviously pale 1st day folk, most people mumble a good morning greeting in return of one, some engrossed in deep chat, some walk as if they see no one at all

one guy notices all . . . he’s familiar, he’s local, I’ve seen him in action before – he likes to chat up the solitary women; he notices SC but passes by as if he doesn’t notice us at all – his trademark sunglasses + an umbrella stand walking stick he never uses tucked under his arm, more schtick than stick

conversation on these walks is new to me – I am so accustomed to the solitary-ness of them; SC commented on the smell of passers-by, something I don’t experience . . which makes me wonder if my brain detects things my nose does not . . hmmm

my photo efforts produced only one great shot today, I’m not relaxed yet . . I want to be but I’m not; I have a project to finish today . . then only smatterings of work that will consume about an hour a day – an errand outing and a drive up country will round out today

boundary between ‘on vacation’ and being home is fuzzy now – maybe there is just less boundary, maybe I’m home

12 full days of R & R in paradise has begun . .

aloha

Mark Kolke
224,808

203.0

Writing from the Detroit airport, watching the same scenes unfold - but waiting the flight taking me back to Calgary... Though Maui doesn't hold quite the same appeal for me as for you, I wish I were not heading 'home' to a place that has never felt like home to me. Maybe that's why I spend so much of this life in airports, in transit. Our flights leave at the same time, both heading west. I felt good this morning until I read Musings, but now melancholy. I'm happy for you...maybe just wishing I felt the same pre-departure excitement. . . + this note Sunday night . . Now put business on the back burner and seize the day! Where do you do breakfast (just trying to place you within my recent memories)? We usually went to Spices, but there were a couple of Denny's mornings in there as well. Say hello to "my" condo. It's snowing here. REALLY - and this adding to the pile of hail that rained down last night and wouldn't melt. You made a good choice!, Aloha, CB, Calgary

...

Mark, good to see you this morning at the scareport. Lovely bodyguard you have there! Hot here in LV. Enjoy Maui, MK, Calgary . . . P.S. from Las Vegas - 100 degrees here and Lance Armstrong is the Keynote speaker today (Sunday). I am in the front row, MK, Calgary

...

There were 5000 people in the room to hear Lance Armstrong. Reading my Alberta Venture Mag on the plane and there you were....again. Do they pay you a retainer to contribute. If you don't mind me asking, MK, Calgary

...

Mark – Bon Voyage – and say hello to Susan #2! , Susan #3 (SA), Edmonton

...

Have a safe, peaceful and hopefully romantic trip, VBL, Englewood, CO

[written and published from the Delta Airport Hotel at Calgary International Airport (YYC) in north east Calgary]

6C/42F, black, chance of showers in this land of hockey . . who gets up at this hour? . . . 3:12AM walking from hotel to terminal, from the civility of a warm bed to the great cavern known as YYC, a sparsely populated country unto itself – if it is a country, then Tim Horton’s is surely its capital; 2 laps, 2 levels, from gate A to D and back, and back and back and back

we must be there by 4:30 AM to check in we were told . . we are Maui bound, so we will

check, double check, check again – do we have everything?

easier, I think, to make sure we take everything from the room, thinking can happen later and whatever we forgot we can buy there

flying soon . . tic toc . . flight leaves at 6:30AM, forms filled, bags packed; sleep came slowly, not enough, soon, more, hurry, more, soon, sleep; sleep will come, two terminals on our path – San Francisco and Kahului - we must be sane . . we must be smart .

a veritable United Nations of persons displaced from normality, bench seating made to beds for weary travelers for whom the term layover was no doubt invented, incredibly early birds . . . amid mid-shift custodial staff muttering as they dust and mop and drive floor scrubbers – the Zambonis of this terminal rink do not sleep

I know I am in a civilized world, I know this is progress – it must be because we are so happy this morning, not giddy, not laughing . . but happy, displaced from normality but happy

thanks to all those who called in the last few days to wish me/us a great trip, none so poignant as KN who loves the same beach I do; I’ll walk a lap or two for you; to those who’ve never been you cannot appreciate the magnetism of that place in the middle of an ocean, that place that draws so strongly in the middle of the night, displaced from normality

aloha

Mark Kolke
224,83

2201.4

Hi – hope you have a wonderful two weeks. Isn’t people watching just a blast. Unfortunately I seem to see some very sad interactions at the mall, I wish I saw more happiness. I am off to work where all I have to do is make people happy and keep them healthy, DB, Red Deer

...

I think I am always several musings behind eveyone else...your comments on the 18th...'sometimes a person sitting on the other side of the room or on the other side of the bed might as well be on the other side of the moon'....reminded me of a relationship of mine that spanned 10 years. I had clipped another comment out of a local paper & used it...amongst other things ...as a deciding factor in ending this relationship....."Many a woman staring at the back of her husband's newspaper, or listening to his breathing in bed is lonelier than any spinster in a rented room" - Germaine Greer . . . Your musings always deal with the human condition...Thank You..., MH, Calgary

[written and published from south Calgary, near Fish Creek Park]

4C/39F, cloudy; Saturday 'long weekend' morning quiet is as quiet as it gets in this neighhbourhood - few creatures stir - we had a couple of jogger encounters as we walked the ridge path this morning when a light breeze brought Gusta an odour signaling we were about to be entertained; velvety antler nubs confirmed his age and gender, his posture mimicked
Gusta in every respect except his white tail turned down - just 3 strides away he stood, squatted, finished, prepared for departure, then bounded off into the Aspen maze

I had an interesting time waiting at the airport last night - people watching almost an art form as long weekend arrival activity made the terminal an Aunt-hill of activity of children of all ages clamouring to meet a loved one; in an instant frowns of frustration delayed and bored turned to broad grins, unsolicited unprovoked hugs and damp eyes were the lubrication of the place amid those who had no one to greet them at all, those looking frantically through the crowd to collect someone they'd never met before, those forlorn ones who were not met 'yet' anxiously pacing while they hit speed dial on their phones, some auld acquaintances renewed, déjà vu it is not, déjà Sue it seems

two weeks have begun – sort of

‘prepare for departure’, that familiar term we hear settling into seats on a plane – making sure our baggage is safely stored, our seats upright . . buckled up, ready to taxi to the runway – well, maybe not yet, but on our approach - understanding why we are the way we are, knowing what it is that drives us, having a sense of where we are going – these things challenge us all I suppose, more for some than for others; we must be part of the ‘some’; exhaustion times two, ‘work yet to be done’, half packed luggage, breakfast papers and coffee make this morning that follows insufficient sleep that followed way too much talking last night between already sleep deprived protagonists began this reunion; baggage opened up for inspection, seems safe for travel

two weeks have begun – sort of

my new sandals are ready but not packed, my new shirt is ready but not packed; everything else will take 8 minutes tops to fill, push, press into place and zip; but first an outing of errands and delivering Gusta to her vacation spot (her 2 weeks of food packed up, ready for departure) pre-empts all else we must get done today - she has some things to do, I have more but not so much we won't have talk time and rest time the rest of the time

two weeks have begun – sort of

tomorrow is a very early start so tonight we’ll stay at the airport hotel; this day will be full but not as full as the last two . . unsolicited unprovoked hugs and big smiles started the day pretty well . .

two weeks have begun

Mark Kolke
224,856
201.4

Good luck to you on your trip - in all senses of the word, SH, Calgary

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Enjoy the trip. Give me a call, GD, Calgary

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...your musings yesterday flooded my mind & heart with memories of a good friend who died in 2000...she had a rare form of breast cancer ...rather than me consoling her...the opposite happened...she gave me that 'Jack' quote as a present for my 50th birthday ...it is framed & hanging in my bedroom... Strange how some lives draw parallels....but never connect....except by odd coincidence & chance... Now those words have double meaning for me..., ...well wishes.. I wish you both well...how could I not? MH, Calgary

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Hey good morning Mark, Just wanting to wish you the best holiday in the world, have fun, soak up the sun's warm rays, and tan that golden tan, have tons of fun, and take the load off, oh and don't forget to leave work in Calgary, it will be here when you get back. TS Calgary

[written and published from south Calgary, near Fish Creek Park]

6C/43F, overcast/calm, robin inspecting apple blossoms next to my window chirped to alert me of morning's arrival (as opposed to a chorus of thousands of birds-in-paradise I'll be hearing soon), duck squadron air-show on the lagoon this morning to entertain Gusta (Maui weather today: Highs around 83 at the shore, winds around 10 mph, chance of rain 20%); bumblebee tripped over to my screen - wanted in from the cool, blossoms so full of nectar but
it preferred to be warm

language is funny; after you get back from a trip, are you tripped? . . the plural of trip is trips . . . while on a trip, are you tripping? . . is ‘to have traveled’ to have tripped?

today, a heavy work load in terms of volume of things to do but light in terms of seriousness - much of it mindless necessary repetitive tasks; I’ve not slept much, but lots done overnight; my mood light (a nap or another pot of coffee may help); gotta hurry, better not trip, but I did trip over some quotations:

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking landscapes but in having new eyes.” – Marcel Proust

“All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.” – Martin Buber

“ A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us” – John Steinbeck

some people enter our lives for a while, some for a while longer – some leave, some stay, some leave their finger prints and foot prints and imprints all over us; some are with us always in all ways, some are with us forever – sometimes we stumble, fumble, bumble and trip . .

a beautiful woman is like a flower blossom so full of nectar, rich nurturing nectar; but beauty does not equal warmth, lack of distance does not equal closeness, wishing doesn’t make anything so . . and some things just are, because they are; acceptance and love, giving and getting – what a trip; to trip, to fall . . now that’s a question; sometimes we can be over-da-moon with someone far away . . or not, someone we know well . . or not, someone we’ve met or not . . someone we feel close to . . or not; I know this well . . all too well

the trip from close to distant and back again is easy to understand when thousands of miles are involved, more complex then the distance is from brain to heart, from finger tip to outstretched finger tip; physical distance is an obvious thing that can separate people – yet most of us know too well that sometimes a person sitting on the other side of the room or on the other side of the bed might as well be on the other side of the moon, seeming unimaginably and immovably far from our grasp, remote in every sense

we’ve traveled together sometimes, gone divergent routes yet our paths intersected so many times it is hard to imagine my life without this person, a set of memories – mostly great ones – of laundry experiences, fire pits, winter picnics, a ketchup incident, Jacks Grill, Saturday morning cheese buns from the Bon-Ton, Pike Street, any street, really cookin’ together; the trip, this trip, this trip to aloha-land, has begun; SC is driving this morning from Fort Smith to Hay River to work at her office there for the day, then flying to Calgary this evening . . another leg of a very long journey – one that began 16 yrs. ago

I have no firm notion, no clear vision, no rigid wish for where this trip will take us, but like so many things I’ve learned, this is one where I think I need to simply trust the process, trust myself and trust someone I love – tripping will happen and it will be warm

grab me, hold on tight . . I’m about to trip


Mark Kolke
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Hi Mark, The salt water is good but my Mothers' remedy is the best... 1/3 fresh lemon, 1/3 local honey, 1/3 bourbon. Sip on a couple of those of an evening and in the am you'll be fine. Ch, Chimacum

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Mark: Greetings. Do we explore new territory to broaden perspectives ,to challenge ourselves or do we do this unconsciously on a daily basis. Whatever the motivation "new territory" can create adversity to overcome which in turn strengthens character...so perhaps we could conclude that taking chances on new ventures =positive outcomes. Take good care. Fondly, JH, Kelowna

[written and published from south Calgary, near Fish Creek Park]

11C/51F, nice breeze, mostly clear; late walk along the lagoon (level dropped overnight), Gusta ready to go duck hunting but none in sight; I must admit my walking the last few days has me day-dreaming more about walking MY beach in Maui than anything else

in my dining room, a framed Jack Kerouac quote sums up my appetite for people and adventure; not scientific, my research suggests this is how adrenalin is made: ‘The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars . . .’

on my ride home I caught the end of a CBC show on the radio - academics were arguing merits/difficulties of defining science, the scientific method and whether the scientific method really exists outside textbooks and academia today …. which got me thinking about what we all do in trying things, testing limitations, exploring new (new to us at any rate) territory; in this post-Britannica era of Google-ing we can research just about anything – and we trust it to be true because someone authoritative said it was true; if academics ventured outside their labs they might find it warmer than they think or they might encounter some Kerouac fans

actual data we collect is far from first hand, experiments we conduct - usually none, yet we live in this time so driven by technology derived from science; I am not bothered by that because I trust a weather report that says -20C without having to outside to determine if it is cold . . . so, why then, do I not trust someone saying they are warm, fun and friendly or smart or thoughtful or kind or trustworthy without first finding out for myself - by conducting my own research and experiments? I am more inclined to think this is the Kerouac method than any scientific one

pigs sniff out truffles deep in soil; I have no sense of smell but I think I am getting good at sniffing out great gems – multifaceted guys and dolls of extraordinary quality, clarity and colour – often unpolished rough stones, but gems every time; more often than not, people I like, people I warm to have quirky qualities – not that I don’t like normal (whatever that means) average people, but I think I find the quirky ones of greater interest, more giving/getting people . . open, they offer so much without realizing it because they are wrapped/rapt in their own curiosity; case in point, talking with CC last night après Toastmasters; we were talking about collaboration on a project but before I realized it we had branched off to another path – deeper discussion about what drives us, how we operate, how we create – gaining, I think, a better understanding of each other on a number of levels; deep in soil underground, mining for gems . . . risking encounters with dangerous forces but at the same time unfettered by odours and shedding as many preconceptions as I can, I find shafts of light, veins of real stuff, mother-lodes of fun . . people who thirst for the unusual, people who go where others don’t dare, unexplored places and states of mind that are so worthy of being dug - this is not a leftover 60's beat poet notion, but the essence of living vitally . . can you dig it?

curiosity drives me - I think I travel the other side of the dotted line - ventures, adventures and lines of inquiry with people; I try to be mindful of their boundaries as well as my own but I do enjoy the tension when boundaries of behaviour, intellect, feelings and energy collide ; I really enjoy the taste, the flavour, the juicy friction when the essence of who we think we are is tested - the verbal equivalent of a gentle elbow to the ribs sometimes, other times a dull thud blow to somewhere vital

I wrote yesterday about the sum of my fears – mostly absence of fears which is partly about my level of confidence – in large part from positive outcomes of risk taking; my recipe for confidence is a mix of three things – independence, having been made stronger by the adversity I’ve encountered and the thrill I get from regularly stepping into new territory to experiment . . . my own lab rat perhaps, or maybe a canary?


Mark Kolke
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“Success....to laugh often and love much...to win the respect of intelligent people & the affection of children....to earn the approbation of honest critics & to endure the betrayal of false friends....to appreciate beauty...to find the best in others....to give of one's self...to leave the world a little better...whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition....to have played & laughed with enthusiasm & sung with exultation.....to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived...this is to have succeeded...” – Ralph Waldo Emerson . . MH, Calgary

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Mark, Gargle with warm salt water. It’s an old remedy but it does work, SB, Calgary

[written and published from south Calgary, near Fish Creek Park]

6C/42F, sunny, calm - usual routine - Gusta and I walked the ridge route through the park, she content, me oblivious, my brain in another place; no critter sightings except a shy suitor, a black and white border collie who often barks frantically just after we are out of range as if to say ‘hey Gusta, don't be afraid, come back when he’s not around’ . .

I will bombard myself with vitamin C, fluids and sleep . . half my brain is half way to Maui, the other half mired in work that must be done in the next 4 days; I’ve been trying to get one project conceptualized, the message framed . . it is coming together but, as always, when I am my own client I am far less patient than any client I ever had; sore throat fails to dampen my flaming desire to clear my plate of urgent work - 4 days till aloha land

someone I heard speak recently claimed creativity we have as children plummets the minute we get into the world of school, plummets even more in the world of work/careers; I have no idea if research proves it but nods in that room suggested it must be true because it felt so true

I went away wondering if I was as creative as I thought I was; always easy to see ourselves in whatever light we like – but, if I was someone else, how would I see me? am I really creative, innovative, ‘free’ thinking or simply enjoying that delusion?

which got me doing way too much thinking that day; those thoughts drift in and out but mostly they come back and make me really curious; are my day-to-day actions equal to the task, more importantly I think, are they consistent with what I want from life, what I talk/think about all the time – or are they motions of conventionality that get me through from habit, out of conformity, do I have a clear conscience or do I just grow one when it is convenient?

each day I (I think most of us do) see convenience and expediency everywhere we look; we see it in people’s actions, their words, their accommodations, their compromises . . . everyone is firm until they are soft, everyone is strong until they are weak, everyone offers a steady gaze until they blink – so, if that is so, what do we see in our mirror?

have you ever wished you had been a fly on the wall - I don’t mean spying on someone else, I mean looking down, observing yourself?

rather than figuring out the reading on my creative meter, maybe I should look at the whole boy . . oh boy . . oh yes . . yeah right – self analysis through rosy glasses, but I’ve been trying – here is what I see; I see a guy with a need to feel vital in some way, who needs to resist conformity while keeping one foot in the conventional (trying to extricate the other slowly), part vagabond wannabe, part slave to a routine-ized set of daily/weekly habits that serve as part framework – part crutch to justify how I spend time . . . breaking free from that, part zealot, part fool for love, part egomaniacal dreamer, part dreamer, part dream; a guy with a rakish desire to be rakishly desired who looks in the mirror to see a package that doesn’t fit that image at all

as ‘my fly’, I look down . . half smile, half frown, like I’m witnessing the assembly of some Frankenstein-esque composite, a love/hate twist that has evolved to more of a love/love it/love it all (well, almost all) lifestyle; I see a wide-eyed teenager excited because he’s got a date Friday night he knows will last two weeks or a lifetime, I see a mid-life mature guy with a ton of experience, I see a mid-life adventurer like a newborn in new territory exploring a little further each day, I see a fool at moments but mostly a playful fool, I see someone who takes himself too seriously yet sometimes fails to take certain points or people in his life seriously enough, I see confidence that shakes less often than it used to, I see fear as something he doesn’t face as often as he used to because he has taken most of the fears out of play ……

some of my fears – the sum of my fears – are these; I’m not afraid of much anymore; my fears are for safety and health of those I care for (including my own), I fear I’ll expire before my experience appetite is satisfied, I fear I’ll run out of life before I run out of things I want to do, experiences I want to have, people I want to enjoy, things I want to try
try being a fly on your wall, but don’t get stuck there

Mark Kolke
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Musings posted daily@ http://markismusing.blogspot.com
To subscribe (free) at any time; write to musing@maxcomm.ca
©2007 MaxComm Communications, all rights reserved.

You know what I find interesting, its how your writings inspire so many people to try their hand at writing down their thoughts and feelings (me included). I am finding that on occasion I have as much enjoyment reading about your readers as I do about you and Gusta. Have a great holiday, based on what you and some of your Hawaiian readers say, I really need to go there soon. Best wishes, SB, Calgary

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Re: I just want to touch base with just imagine it . . I would really like to send your musings to Switzerland, a friend of mine there would really appreciate reading your material, I told him a little bit about you from the writing end of things, and how I enjoy reading your stuff, he is looking forward to this. I want to share the just imagine it story that you wrote, and I have to tell you that I have imagined running a marathon of what ever size, and now I am with Team In Training, training for a Maui run in September and a San Francisco run in October, but the one run that I really imagine to be at is the one in San Diego in June of 2008. Imagining at most times can be of reality, mine is. TS, Calgary

[written and published from south Calgary, near Fish Creek Park]

6C/44F, sunny, light breeze; Gusta decided to make friends with Mallards this morning, swimming 1/3rd of the way across the lagoon before she appreciated that ducks swim away faster than dogs, 1/3rd is less distnace than 2/3rds (so she paddled back)and that ducks don't like to play with dogs; on coming ashore dhe found me laughing my tush off but unwilling to hug a soggy critter

some days it helps to have some levity first thing in the morning; an early morning email cranky-gram from a client upset me long enough to wreck my hour but not enough to re-write my day . . so Gusta balanced the scales, helped me return to my focus

I write more often than I used to, I think more often, and I think I learn more than I used to; I look around for intelligence - easy to see in nature, in every plant, every critter - sometimes harder to see in people, sometimes challenging to see in the mirror too, as I do things that don't make sense to others or when the actions of others defy my ability to understand their motives

I had a great chat yesterday with a client/CEO of a pretty good sized company; we swapped stories, caught up on market news and discussed motivation; his point, a good one I think, is that the best way to chart the future moves of any company is to find out the reward arrangements for the CEO; his premise is that no CEO will work against his own self interest - instead of taking a company where it best ought to go for the long term, he/she takes it where the best results for the CEO in the short term can be found; a pretty good diagnosis of dynamics of public and privately owned businesses methinks; I could probably get 10 different slants from 10 different CEOs, his argument made a lot of sense to me

I got wondering, if we consider our brain/heart/belly to be our own little board of directors, if we take ourselves where we ought to go in the long run, in directions that are in our best interest, or if we go in the direction that produces the most/best short term reward/gratification (ie: a trip to the fridge instead of the treadmill . . or a trip to the mall instead of the piggy bank)

there are good fiscal arguments against what I am doing today (for that matter, there have been for a long time!) in terms of what is in my best long term interests if one measures that in terms of safety, financial security and continuity . . . but those arguments go down like like dried up day-old porridge with an even less interesting taste

for me, some new uncharted courses, adventuring knowing a majority of things I might try might NOT be overnight successes, some will fail miserably – at the same time knowing some might catch fire beyond my wildest dreams, my sweatiest desires, my nervy-est thoughts . .

what drives me, drove me, changed me?

I am no better a thinker than most, but I sense I think more often, am curious more often, am less satisfied with old or pat answers more often, and do not accept things 'the way they are' more often than do many people I meet or read about; I am looking at my future, long range . . . I am a little uncomfortable and a lot excited about the uncertainty of it, the possibilities of it . . and . . I feel certain writing can never be replaced by a machine, at least not good writing

gotta run . . need to ‘bathe the pond out of the dog’, fix a deal, edit a website and I have a column to write thanks to a telephone interview I did this morning while in mid-muse

Mark Kolke
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although I don't know you, I feel I do a bit from your musings and would be very happy for you if your proposed trip and reunion is everything your heart desires and more, SH, Toronto

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When you are in Maui, there is a place past Wailea (?) called Mckenna. If you have not been there, it is one of the most peaceful places anywhere. The lava flow goes out in to the ocean, and at the end of it, there is a place where you can go snorkeling. It is called the Queens Bath, or it is known by 3 or 4 other names. It is so peaceful and beautiful. The fish represent every color of the spectrum. If you can make it out there, it is definitely worth your time, MB, Calgary

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When my sons were small I was told that the mother son relationship must have an unhappy ending in order for the young man break away and find his way. I’ve been though a lot with my boys. They are on their own now, but I will always be here or them. Good luck Mark, LW, Calgary

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Aloha, Mark: Will you have time, and perhaps a better question: Would you like to meet for dinner or cocktails and pupus during your visit? Just let me know, PDL, Lahaina, HI

[written and published from south Calgary, near Fish Creek Park]

1C/33F, a sunny morning when I can see my breath; Gusta’s nose led us to a little spot tucked in deep growth not 20 ft. off our path to see a white-tail mom, her fawn and several yearlings hanging around . . we moved on without a bark, not even a nip or a yap

“Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.” – Albert Einstein

easy to say ‘I need a vacation’ but that’s neither news or true - I just had one four months ago, but I really do WANT this vacation . . 6 days, 6 sleeps, then I’m Maui bound

for now, I can imagine . . . ocean dancing on a sand floor, a purple tree up the mountain, weather playing with a volcano, hot days, warm nights; a time of rest and play and reflection . . . . just imagine it . . . palms and shrubs taking their energy from the wind and tossing it back again, of waves, and pools, and puddles left by the tide . . but wait, the tide will be back soon, so will I

when I began writing musings they were neither constructed, planned, focused or very long – nor were they imaginative - just a snippet of what I was thinking on any particular morning; over the last four years I’ve been brazen, pulled in my horns, told stories, pandered, experimented and played; I’ve been praised, gored, helped, hurt, copied, attacked, panned and flattered; I’ve made many friends, a few enemies, gotten close, created distance and bridged it too

far more than I have given to these musings, they (or, rather, musing readers) have given to me; few things, very few things, give me more pleasure than to open my mail to learn that something I’ve written was valued by someone, touched someone, added value for someone, made someone laugh or cry or think or breath faster or easier – I never would have imagined it

to CP, MM, CB, JH, SB & MH . . mothers all, I hope you had a great day yesterday


Mark Kolke
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I've been getting "musings" for more than 4 years now -- read them sporadically and have never responded. I'm a Canadian Mark-age woman (Nova Scotian, though), but am living and working in Moscow. I like the truthfulness -- the complexity and sadness of things is reported on, together with optimism and striving. Am reading this latest Musing in Shanghai (here on business). Just so you know, Mark, that your e-mails go all around the world each day, CP, Shanghai/Moscow

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That is beautiful. I thank you. I am lucky to have TWO mother's days............as one son lives here in the UK and my middle child lives in Michigan. My own mum is long dead - she died on my daughter's second birthday in a house fire. We were never close - distant even. Thank you for crystallizing your thoughts for me - they helped. Hey and extra gift for Mother's Day, xxx, MM, ?

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One of the most soulful messages you've ever written, Mark... Beautiful, CB, Calgary

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Oh my gosh, Mark, I thought I was the only one who dug into the drawer to find my birth certificate because I was sure I was adopted. My mom is still alive and our relationship only works, because I work at one and ignore most of what she says and does, JH, Bushnell, FL

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Re: After words ... thoughtful reflection often reveals that: when I think I'm speaking clearly and my motives are transparent, unfortunately both the thought process and the communication are opaque. However, the quote (from Cervantes) supplied by another Musings reader, sums up what I was trying to say, beautifully. If it is true, as Socrates claimed, that the unexamined life is not worth living; yours, by logical extension, must be very fulfilling. Best regards, One of the many SB's, Calgary . . p.s. .. If you have time please check out the condos at Waiohuli Beach Hale in Kihei. Hopefully it is my destination next year

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...an excerpt from John Steinbeck's Nobel Prize acceptance speech 1962.... “Literature is as old as speech. It grew out of human need for it and it has not changed except to become more needed. The skalds, the bards, the writers are not separate and exclusive. From the beginning, their functions ,their duties, their responsibilities have been decried by our species....The writer is delegated to declare and to celebrate man's proven capacity for greatness of heart and spirit - for gallantry in defeat, for courage, compassion and love. In the endless war against weakness and despair, these are the bright rally flags of hope and of emulation. I hold that a writer who does not passionately believe in the perfectibility of man has no dedication nor any membership in literature....”, MH, Calgary

[written and published from south Calgary, near Fish Creek Park]

7C/45F, a long 'heart pounding outside my chest on our return' walk this morning - our weather is that stuff dripping from Gusta's coat as 'chance of showers' dances on fresh apple blossoms outside my window as I sit, sipping coffee on my patio now . . . back from wet empty paths, just the sound of rain on my hat visor, hitting leaves, touching ground

not everyone has the opportunity to be a mother, but every one of us is some mother’s child – today is a day for celebrating that, revering that, enjoying that, but that depends of the nature of that relationship, doesn’t it?

I try to remember times of joy with my mother - but that doesn't help much or take long; I try to remember at lease some moments of resolution - but that was but a glimpse of a glimmer in the last weeks of her life; live or dead, our mothers play a relationship role with us that may as well be laid in stone, impossible to alter whether we love it or hate it; for most, I think, that relationship fits somewhere on the spectrum near one end or the other, rarely do I meet anyone with half-way feelings about their relationship with their mother

today is a day of sadness for me - I don't want it to be but it is; perversely it seems, as an adult - as my relationship with my father grew better my relationship with my mother grew even more strained; was that me pulling away, her feeling threatened, both, neither?

strained, apt reference . . could not hold it, it just leaked through, impossible to contain, our relationship simply ‘strained’ with periods of difficult, estranged or just plain strange; something I tolerated, more easily upon leaving home - living 200 miles away, my own adult life, gave us distance; we didn’t hate each other but we didn’t love each other like in books or on TV or in the movies, not like I hear about or as described in greeting cards

we each have these relationships – they are what we make them to be; a psychologist I spent time with many years ago convinced me my relationship with my mother was something I was going to have to work on alone as she was not going to be a participant in the discussion; so true then, for the last eight or so years of her life, and still true now that she is long gone

she is gone, resolution of the relationship is another matter; many times I wished it was over, wanted it over, tried to have it over, but it is not over; from time to time, not necessarily on this day of the calendar, I spend some time thinking about ‘that relationship’, thinking about her, thinking about our family dynamics and the role we played with each other

our relationship began much better than it became; I was a playful kid who paid not much attention to the woman who cleaned the house, cooked the meals, washed the clothes; this woman was married to my dad, gave birth to me . . but was never close; perhaps that was as much my fault as hers later on, but as a child I don’t think it was anyone’s fault so much as it was the way it was and I knew no different – but seeing such differences in other homes I became convinced I must be adopted; getting my hands on my birth certificate at age seven I remember thinking ‘how could they fake that?’ . . .

on this day the world conspires to have us ‘put mother on a pedestal’, without regard to whether or not we are gushing with emotion or pride or caring or fond memories; whether or not she is gone, for some of us . . that feels pretty hypocritical

mothers and their children can pick a day - any day, this day, tomorrow, whichever day you wish; call it any name, validate how you feel, say it, make it heard - but listen too, listen to what you hear in return; we can all hear what she says, listen to how she feels, discuss
why . . or why not . . when your mother is alive, you can try that but, when she is gone, that is not so easy

carpe diem means seize the day; seize what you can while you can

if you can, squeeze who you can while you can for as long as you can

because you can

Mark Kolke
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