Musing

[written and published from south Calgary, near Fish Creek Park]

6C/42F, sunny, calm - usual routine - Gusta and I walked the ridge route through the park, she content, me oblivious, my brain in another place; no critter sightings except a shy suitor, a black and white border collie who often barks frantically just after we are out of range as if to say ‘hey Gusta, don't be afraid, come back when he’s not around’ . .

I will bombard myself with vitamin C, fluids and sleep . . half my brain is half way to Maui, the other half mired in work that must be done in the next 4 days; I’ve been trying to get one project conceptualized, the message framed . . it is coming together but, as always, when I am my own client I am far less patient than any client I ever had; sore throat fails to dampen my flaming desire to clear my plate of urgent work - 4 days till aloha land

someone I heard speak recently claimed creativity we have as children plummets the minute we get into the world of school, plummets even more in the world of work/careers; I have no idea if research proves it but nods in that room suggested it must be true because it felt so true

I went away wondering if I was as creative as I thought I was; always easy to see ourselves in whatever light we like – but, if I was someone else, how would I see me? am I really creative, innovative, ‘free’ thinking or simply enjoying that delusion?

which got me doing way too much thinking that day; those thoughts drift in and out but mostly they come back and make me really curious; are my day-to-day actions equal to the task, more importantly I think, are they consistent with what I want from life, what I talk/think about all the time – or are they motions of conventionality that get me through from habit, out of conformity, do I have a clear conscience or do I just grow one when it is convenient?

each day I (I think most of us do) see convenience and expediency everywhere we look; we see it in people’s actions, their words, their accommodations, their compromises . . . everyone is firm until they are soft, everyone is strong until they are weak, everyone offers a steady gaze until they blink – so, if that is so, what do we see in our mirror?

have you ever wished you had been a fly on the wall - I don’t mean spying on someone else, I mean looking down, observing yourself?

rather than figuring out the reading on my creative meter, maybe I should look at the whole boy . . oh boy . . oh yes . . yeah right – self analysis through rosy glasses, but I’ve been trying – here is what I see; I see a guy with a need to feel vital in some way, who needs to resist conformity while keeping one foot in the conventional (trying to extricate the other slowly), part vagabond wannabe, part slave to a routine-ized set of daily/weekly habits that serve as part framework – part crutch to justify how I spend time . . . breaking free from that, part zealot, part fool for love, part egomaniacal dreamer, part dreamer, part dream; a guy with a rakish desire to be rakishly desired who looks in the mirror to see a package that doesn’t fit that image at all

as ‘my fly’, I look down . . half smile, half frown, like I’m witnessing the assembly of some Frankenstein-esque composite, a love/hate twist that has evolved to more of a love/love it/love it all (well, almost all) lifestyle; I see a wide-eyed teenager excited because he’s got a date Friday night he knows will last two weeks or a lifetime, I see a mid-life mature guy with a ton of experience, I see a mid-life adventurer like a newborn in new territory exploring a little further each day, I see a fool at moments but mostly a playful fool, I see someone who takes himself too seriously yet sometimes fails to take certain points or people in his life seriously enough, I see confidence that shakes less often than it used to, I see fear as something he doesn’t face as often as he used to because he has taken most of the fears out of play ……

some of my fears – the sum of my fears – are these; I’m not afraid of much anymore; my fears are for safety and health of those I care for (including my own), I fear I’ll expire before my experience appetite is satisfied, I fear I’ll run out of life before I run out of things I want to do, experiences I want to have, people I want to enjoy, things I want to try
try being a fly on your wall, but don’t get stuck there

Mark Kolke
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Musings posted daily@ http://markismusing.blogspot.com
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