Musing

Hi Mark - I've started reading your Musings... from the beginning... it's like reading your mind - your diary - your innermost self. I find it very refreshing, SI, Saskatoon

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Good Morning Mark! Hmmmm... I feel we have all always been creating our own Life (luck, future, today) usually we simply do it unconsciously...the magic, so to speak seems to appear when we consciously create or for that matter when we *consciously* do anything. My feeling about you, Mark, is you will bring with you your happiness, success, joy as you arrive on a beach or a mountainside or across a bridge or across a country; as it exists only as you. Yesssssss! Mahalo for the stimulation. Aloha, GR, Haiku

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Mark, I don't know why, but I started getting your musings emailed to me earlier this week. The first few I've read have been very engaging. I plan to unsubscribe from the mailing (since it's my work account, which I prefer to keep reserved just for that), but will carry on via your blog. Probably subscribe via RSS, since that's my preferred method to keep up with my daily reads. Nice to meet you, Mark!, S, ?

[written and published from Calgary]

-11C/12F, light snow falling, fluffy coat on top of fluffy coat; no one out, footprint remnants now covered by two days of fresh snow; a quiet serene landscape until ‘Gusta the wild’ took off on a tear around the lagoon

some days I have wondered what I am searching for, some days I am certain that I know the answer; some days I encounter something that seems completely wrong, yet it turns out to be just what I wanted, just what I needed, just what I was wishing for; some days I get what I want because I ask; some days I get what I want without asking

I wonder about that, wonder if it is serendipity or some unspoken communication system with the rest of the universe – as if events are conspiring to fit with what I want

think about something sweet, cool, interesting, fascinating – then think of who is in the room with you, what experiences everyone brings to the situation, to the task, to the discussion – imagine how many things in the world had to go ‘just right’ to bring these people, ideas and intentions into one room in one place at one time . . hhhmmm; I’ve done that recently several times . .

yesterday I got a call from kk, someone who got an email from me along with thousands of others because I was marketing some space; but the reason this person knows me is because I called her after a 'near-meeting miss' at a luncheon I attending with PM last year, someone I met 2 yrs. previous at the suggestion of JR who I met on-line several years ago . . someone I did not click with but whose father had been our family doctor for a short while 35 yrs ago; ironically we all have one very significant thing in common . .

yesterday I had several conversations with other people in my life or crossing my path where this kind of surreal combo was the cause, the lead up, the grounds for the connection; without that background the connections never would have happened

I’m not feeling spooky or anything; but I think this is more than the product of age, wisdom, experience . . . . or a heightened level of awareness in some form

when these moments happen (it seems they happen more often than not these days) I find it fascinating to sit for a moment to marvel at the marvelous combination of things that happened ‘just so’ in order that a conversation, meeting, connection might happen hhhmmmm

I’ve had enough of this sort of thing happen lately to begin feeling these coincidences are more than coincidences but something deeper

when I meet with someone or talk on the phone; I am both in the moment AND I am visualizing that serious of innocuous events that brought us together or back together as a by-product of those wiggly paths that cross quite innocently, not deliberate at all, so that when paths cross again there is a ‘knowing’ feeling

do we do that in real life as opposed to 'thinking about what we read in yet another Chopra book’; can we manifest changes, events, behaviour of others to line up with what we are thinking, wanting, needing . . simply because our thoughts were lining up with the thoughts of others at just the right moments?

it could probably be argued that since we hang out or seek to hang out with like-minded people that we are setting this up – possibly, but for today I would like to think it is more that experience meeting opportunity, more than chickens coming home to roost or luck or fate or some other bizarre explanation

I’ll call it making my own luck, making my own future, making my own today

this is not a ‘white light at the top of Machu Pichu’, just a little bulb going off in my brain

the search is over, it is right here

the search is over, I was never lost

the search is over – when I let it be

seems I’ve heard that somewhere before

my happiness, my success, my joy does not exist on a beach or a mountainside or across a bridge or across a country; it exists right here right now

I think we are all where we need to be, we are all who we need to be, we are all together alone all the time

the search is over - when I let it be

Mark Kolke
226,676
201.8

Marry me - I thought that would give you a laugh. Marry a stranger? Well, yes I think in essence that is what we all do anyway. I dated my first husband for six years. It takes only a few months of living with someone to find the secrets and know all that was so easy to disguise before you are married. My 22 year old son was married on Feb 17, I listened to all the wonderful promises and beautiful sentiment. I can only hope that they hang on to half of that. I wish them success but I plan for, well I can't predict. But the real point here is that predicting the future from events of the past is often a mistake. There are so many other factors to take into consideration that are NOT of the past. So to become a wide-eyed optimist is my wish for you. Perhaps you can shed some of the negative learning and defenses you have built around your heart. Just remember that the heart is a flexible muscle (getting stronger with exercise) not breakable glass, ch, Chimacum

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Hello Mark, Where did you go? The last one I got you were in Maui .I have sent this before and nothing. Hope I get you back in my life….., CR, ?

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As the recently mentioned "someone who keeps cats", I was not offended and would recommend to you other cat keepers to also not be so touchy. I suspect that Mark's remarks are primarily made to stir up cat lovers who gratifyingly rise to his bait. Just because he has a personal bias that differs from mine and chooses to poke fun at it doesn't mean that he is judging me as a person. When I first contacted him I responded in kind by pointing out that I believe that golf is good way to ruin what would otherwise be a nice walk and that I don't get how anyone of reasonable intelligence can justify walking around for hours at a time whacking at a little pockmarked ball with metal stick. I could easily continue this by referring to his opinions as being interesting for someone who golfs. Of course even if he is judging me as a cat keeper, I am confident enough that I don't need to be particularly worried about what other people think of the choices I make for myself. It is my experience that being offended is usually more about the person who is offended then the person making the remarks....except when the remarks fall into the categories of racial, religious, cultural or sexual slurs. EJJ: I get that even spiders and rats have a useful purpose in the natural cycle of things but I still don't like them and don't believe that this dislike means that I don't really like any species, BB, Calgary

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You are too cute for words! Thank you so much for remembering. I happened to be lucky enough to be spending my birffffday in Palm Springs! I was there for a week for a work convention and just had a blast! I have been trying to catch up at work as well as home and wanted to make sure to touch base and say thank you for thinking of me. I received an interesting birthday message on my cell phone from your friend MW wishing me a happy birthday and I called him upon my return home. When I finally had a chance to connect with him and asked how on earth he knew, he confessed that he has been pretty swamped and hasn't been reading your musings (don't tell him I told you that!) and he just happened to read the one on the 19th! You are still giving it the old college try there for us to meet...hmmm. , you give tenacious a new meaning Mr. Kolke! Anyway, I read that musings as well as the other ones I had missed out on, and just wanted to say that I wish many wonderful things for you and hope you don't give up on life's possibilities. You truly are a thoughtful, wonderful friend and I know there is someone out there that will appreciate all that you are, CN, Calgary

[written and published from Calgary]


-14C/7F, overcast, snow overnight, more flakes falling . . Gusta hyper-charged this morning for some reason . .

I find it interesting these days to see press coverage of giving; I mean Bill Gates ‘give it all away in my lifetime’ type of giving (even if he fails he will have a few billion left which is a few billion more than me)

is that more important than a father giving time to his child, one woman helping another, any of us spending time with a treasured parent or grandparent?

or spending time to lend a hand to someone stubborn and unwilling to accept our help . .

or someone we don't know who will never know us

or someone who will never know the gift of time you gave because it was given in some other way

or

we could just let our time run out

this is not about scheduling, it is about values

why give?

for many, giving produces getting which makes everybody feel good - right?

but if it does, is that a good reason?

when we give somebody something – a piece of something, a piece of our mind, a piece of ourselves there is no rule that says ‘this is what we get in return’; giving is about giving, not about getting

giving some little thing – a gesture, a kind word, a small gift, a lead, an opportunity, an introduction – these are all easy to give, cost little effort; they pay huge dividends in many ways but that is not why we should go them; giving time – now we’re talking

giving more, giving money – seems so much more because commas and zeroes are involved, but most people give because they can with a mixture of motives as to why they give

but when we consider giving some of our time to someone, some cause, some need – that is serious effort; again those efforts pay huge dividends in many ways but that is not why we should go them

gifts that don’t pinch us for time, effort, money or thinking are easy; to be gracious giving a smile, a hello, a short ‘so, tell me, how are doing?’ chat, giving away something we don’t need or that is worn out . . that is all so easy

giving understanding – now that’s a little tougher; a heightened level of giving

higher still is giving some caring to go with that understanding

even higher, is caring about the person to whom we are giving our caring and understanding

it does not matter if they never give it back

really, it doesn’t . . .

it matters that you gave it

every time I’ve given time I’ve not regretted it

sometimes time helps the person I’ve given it to, some times not

every time I’ve given time it helped me

every time

every

time

Mark Kolke
226,700
204.0

Hmmm... excellent narrative which made me wonder (very simply) why DO we get married? Can't we just go on having friends, some closer than others, each for a different reason or being in our life? Why, why the commitment? I am on my third marriage (one divorce, one death) and for the life of me can't think why I did it again although I do adore my husband. What exactly am I looking for that I expect someone else to provide me? Why have to go through the day-to-day hassles of obligations and reciprocations? Think I'm just getting selfish with my time in my old age... yep... that's it!, CT, Houston

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It was interesting to meet the person whose writing I have been reading for 7 months now and I quite enjoyed our discussion. I looked up reciprocity in several dictionaries and was provided with lots of food for thought about what it would mean in the context of a male/female love relationship. I like the Cambridge Dictionary view below as it was most apt for relationships, though I still like the 3/4 vs. 4/3 way of looking at it because I like the math. The word kept floating around my head and I finally remembered that it was used in a song from the movie/musical Chicago. Queen Latifa sings it; "When you're good to Mama, Mama's good to you." Reciprocity – noun, [U] FORMAL; behaviour in which two people or groups of people give each other help and advantages . . . reciprocal adjective FORMAL; A reciprocal action or arrangement involves two people or groups of people who behave in the same way or agree to help each other and give each other advantages. BB, Calgary

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You will be pleased to learn I have retired my crankiness…. I bought a ranch in northern BC. With an open mind, on your suggestion, I did investigate Saskatchewan as an alternative. Yes, dirt is cheap in Saskatchewan and all the billboards recently posted in Calgary indicate it’s a great place to live. Unfortunately, I need to see trees, at least within 100KM!! Anyway, I laughed out loud when I stumbled on this particular listing that was “cheap” check out MLS# 230261. I love the older gentleman that comes with the cabin! Only in Saskatchewan….(as far as I know) In reading your musing today, it brought back memories of an interesting book I read several years ago – Love and Friendship by David Bloom. He is another thought provoking essayist. If you don’t know his work, you may also be interested in a couple of his other books – Giants & Dwarfs and The Closing of the American Mind. I must have missed your musing where you were cat-bashing, but I have to agree with PF about your (misguided) attitude towards cats and cat people. My experience has been (in general, I don’t necessarily mean you) that people who hate a particular species of animal, don’t truly care for any animals. The same goes for people who only like particular breeds of dogs or horses, they are usually the worst abusers. I’ve observed it in the horse industry to the point of tragic results. I believe that all critters have their own unique “animality” that can greatly contribute to a human’s quality of life, just like your Gusta. (this is especially true with seniors – does your Dad have a pet?) The bonus is that you can share your life with an unlimited number of animals, but when it comes to wives, you can only have one!!! At least one at a time, EJJ, Still in deWinton

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RE: inclinations - Feb. 25 musing; Bravo! Mahalo for your musing today, GR, Haiku

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RE: inclinations; enthusiastically towards those people who care to keep cats!, VJP, DeWinton

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RE: inclinations; Hi - Like all of us, I've had some very, very dark times. During most of those in mid-experience I would have traded anything to avoid the pain, the work, the stress. Yet each time they have ended I am conscious of relief and then sometime after all the dust has settled I begin to see how that pain, stresss, work has become a source of strength and knowledge. I wish the same for you, CH, Chimacum

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Aloha~ Two brightly colored beach chairs always ready in the car for planting. Days flowing into nights filled with the fullness of the risk taken. GR, Baby Beach, Haiku

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On Friday I had suffered a loss. It was inevitable, it wasn't in my control and there was nothing I could do about it. Today I inflicted a loss...on myself. Perhaps it was inevitable, but it was within my control. On Friday I lost a huge portion of my past. Today I lost part of my present and part of my future. It's easier to measure the skid marks of the first loss; the second is not so clear...kinda slides into the hazy future. On Friday I lost the one person who accepted me with no conditions. Today I lost some of my self-respect. Hard to say which hurts the most. Trust is a fragile concept; I just broke trust with a friend and with myself; and, I did it under the guise of "creating trust". Where are the boundaries? How do I remain true to me and my values and create room for in my life for a stranger, a valued stranger, but someone who cannot yet accept me, unconditionally? How do I build a relationship based on love, honesty, and companionship when I cannot communicate my values to him? How can I go forward into a future based on togetherness when fundamental communication seems to be flawed? Or perhaps, yet again I am over analyzing. Perhaps his request was reasonable. Perhaps, I am too emotional to assess this rationally. Perhaps it is not rational. Perhaps his request was based on Freudian projection...now that's food for lots of over analyzing. Perhaps I need more sleep... Perhaps my grief is too raw to even address the future. (One day at a time Sweet Jesus...) Oh and sign me up for musings again please. SB, Calgary

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Good Maui Morning Mark - So many times this past month I think I would like to take up my pen (keyboard) and answer back something positive to your musings for the day, and then the waves call. I float out the door on visions of donning even my soggy, cold wet bathing suit and diving in the crystal clean waves at Keawakapu. At that point I am overcome with the desire to escape into the blue, rolling, gently pulling waves, so sitting in this cold, stilted, bustling real estate office for even one more second loses to the enticement of the waves once again. Sorry. And I know you have plenty of others out there in museland who will make up for my failures and shortcomings... NOW, I am taking this moment, and letting you know that the continued theme for several of your musings lately leaves me no alternative than to write. Your questions are yearning for answers. The answer is right there at the tip of your nose, but you are unaware, oblivious, and confused. The most important realization that you need to make is that the only thing that will ever happen that we can be assured of each day is that things will change. You alone have the choices, and you alone must make the ones that allow you to find what eludes you, eternal happiness. Once you make those discoveries, the clouds will lift, the people you correspond with and meet will be new creatures, and you will look at things in such a different light that you'll think you've been in a haze for the past ___ years. You can use any excuse in the world to prevent you from maturing to that point, but someday, you are going to wake up and find out the secret. You are obviously puzzled, frustrated, disenchanted, and depressed because you are constantly seeking what you cannot figure out to be the problem, when the real problem is you. People can TELL you all sorts of things to make you feel good, but until you discover the secret inside you, you will never understand. Don't be discouraged any more. Ask someone who knows what it is, and in the asking, you will find the truth, if you want it. But you have to ask, that is all that is necessary. You can't keep telling... since you don't know, you HAVE to ASK. Got that? OK, the waves are screaming and another warm, sunny day and those eternal waves are missing me more than you could imagine. Wish you were here to come and get to accompany me, and that you looked forward to it as eagerly as I do. That would be something worth musing...Aloha,NB, Kihei

[written and published from Calgary]

-11C/12F, light snow still falling leaving a thin blanket - just enough to make everything look white and pure again, every hazard obscured ….. beach walking would be so much more fun today, in part for the waves pounding, in part for the urge to live in paradise

I was asked the other day if I would marry again; I responded to explain I have had 2 marriages that didn’t work, 1 great relationship with SC that worked pretty good until it didn't work, 2 other short spectacular beginnings that might have been good if they had a middle

I have no idea if I could do marriage again; risky business - aside from the pain-avoidance motivation, the thing that bothers me most about having another ‘near-death financial experience’ is that I don’t want to give up the richness, the flavour

add to those experiences with way too many coffee dates, lunch dates, blind-dates, sorta-dates, 1st dates that never got a 2nd, new friends, old friends, close friends, faraway friends – so many delightful people populate my ‘keeper-collection’ of friends; one might ask what I am looking for that is so elusive; I often wonder if what I seek is already there, woven into this tapestry of so many incredible people

but then again . .

… and on the other hand

when we are young, say 20, we(I did) lack two clues to rub together as to what a life, a future and a relationship looks like; every hazard imaginable in front of us and obscured by the view through our rose-tinted glasses; such was me on this day . . a long time ago

a long time ago, not far away, it was a dark and stormy night – but first, let me tell you about that day, 35 years ago today; do you remember where you were on this day?

it was cold (-25F) clear Saturday in Calgary; my head was a little woozy from the pub crawl the night before with Jeff & Bob & Pat - my real 'stand-up guys'; my hands were numb from taping plastic flowers to the clean dark green metallic paint of my dad’s Chrysler Newport; my new suit (thanks Ken) perfectly fit my 140 lb. 20 yr. old athletic frame, hair covered my head but not my frozen ears; dinner was rubber chicken with a Crackling Rose chaser, Penthouse Room at the Palliser followed by a harrowing drive to Banff in the heaviest snow storm in years; the day punctuated by photos before, during and after a ceremony of vows and promises at a church in Scarboro; as for the honeymoon trip and 5 day stay at the Banff Springs, yes, it was a dark and stormy night times 5; we scarcely got out of the hotel due to the heavy snow

in youth we make promises we cannot hope to keep, have dreams that are so incomplete; we vow to do things we do not comprehend – and we vow to do them for life

at 55 that would be far less scary I suppose because remaining 'life' is a shorter time frame; in theory, at mid life, recognizing promises we can keep vis-à-vis those we know we cannot, dare not, want not . . to keep is simpler

a relationship that works, someone warm who yearns to be with me at the end of each day, someone who can’t wait to greet me in the morning, someone who needs and wants a full life, a full partnership, a full load of joy mixed with good health, good stuff and good luck, a life with minimal skirmishes with disaster, injury, illness or discord; this would be nice, sure - I think so

but then again . .

… and on the other hand

does anyone need, do I need, another marriage?

my hindsight is 20/20, foresight is elusive – blurred by wishes, hopes, dreams, warmth and reciprocity . . enough to make everything look white and pure again, every hazard obscured

beach walking would be so much more fun today, in part for the waves pounding on the rocks (more hazards obscured), in part for the urge to live in paradise – now that would be worth a vow or two, covered with a thin blanket

whoever you are, wherever you are - it might be nice to plant a pair of beach chairs on a beach; days filled with "I am looking forward to seeing you and talking with you - possibly holding you etc, etc.", nights filled with waiting for the days, days filled with waiting for the nights etc. etc.

tomorrow, today, yesterday – every hazard obscured; risky business

hhmmm

Mark Kolke
226,772
203.5

You are indeed judgmental of people who have cats, including myself. As you know I live with 2 lovely animals (cats) and am a better person because of it. If you have never had a cat ……….. Yes, I still read your musings much to my amusement. I was envious of your trip to Maui. It looked lovely, PF, Calgary

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Great picture, I enjoy your photography, thought provoking comments ...., AT, Calgary

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You are right, mistakes do build character. We all make enough of them and most are not fatal, or as Winston Churchill so aptly stated: "Success is not final; failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts", GB, Calgary

[written and published from Calgary]

-10C/14F, warming; Gusta’s muddy paws had a good long walk; mountains standing proud in the sunshine (scroll down for the view from end of our westbound leg through the park), fresh and so very quiet this morning

“I think we all wish we could erase some dark times in our lives. But all of life’s experiences, bad and good, make you who you are. Erasing any of life’s experiences would be a great mistake.” – Luis Miguel

an oyster builds a pearl by piling lots of attention on an irritant; this human lack that skill; I can take an irritant, give it attention, and create something very different and un-pearl like indeed - sometimes it is a great motivator to accomplish things, to head in new directions, to learn, to grow, to explore other inclinations . . . or I can try to clean up the mess I made

mistakes reveal character, mistakes build character; most are not fatal

late evening messages, late night calls; unfinished business or not; how can I judge?

possible misunderstandings, possible misinterpretations, possible this, possible that – too much to ponder, sleep took over

how do we separate mistakes we can forgive from character flaws we cannot tolerate; do we hang people out to dry or do we bring them in from the cold?

sometimes I find myself looking back on things I’ve done, choices I’ve made, inclinations I’ve had – wondering if I should have put the garbanzo beans in the sauce later so they would not burn, or not at all, wondering if I was right about this, wrong about that . . wondering about the path my life would have taken because of a word here, a move there, a handful of words somewhere else

it leaves me pondering many things - maybe this or that was a mistake (or not), or maybe I was mistaken in my view?

I have way too many flaws to suggest I should be entitled to judge someone else; I can choose to know them or not, choose to accept them or not, choose to like them or not – but MUST not judge them; I must limit myself to making the best informed choices I can

is that true for me or my inclinations; or what I wish I would do?

coffee at Heartland Café with one of the BB’s yesterday gave rise to a long, entertaining and enlightening exchange; extraordinary and interesting points of view for someone who keeps cats; thanks ..it was fun

a good thing I can’t smell; my place must reek and be attractive to cats today; yesterday’s project produced 6 – 4litre pails of fish stock; my freezer now poised for bisque or chowder making inclinations

inclinations

are everywhere

sometimes they lead me to change my mind, sometimes not; but always I hope they help me to expand it

Mark Kolke
226,772
202.0

Some times its stock, sometimes soup and sometimes tomato sauce. All are memories of a perfect day, SC, Fort Smith

[written and published from Calgary]

-12C/10F, bright sun, calm; Gusta found bare patches of grass laden with scent to interrupt her run now and then; I lumbered behind with a sore knee . . whacked it on my desk dead cenre on the kneecap the other day . . then did it again yesterday

Friday night at the movies and a bite after was a great end to a mixed emotions exhausting week; I recommend you GO SEE the movie The Last King of Scotland . . it is incredibly good; Forest Whittaker deserves all those awards he is collecting; great story well told

taking stock, making stock . . what are these basic ingredients in soup, in life?

is it time to take stock of your definition of a perfect day?

it seems to be mine . .

someone wrote me asking how I would describe a perfect day; my quick response was: a great day for me involves a long walk on the beach (Maui preferred) . . or sleeping in with someone special under a duvet in the quiet of the mountains (Emerald Lake preferred) or just hanging out with a bright mind who gives a hoot about things important and about me; a great day is driving on a skinny road for 50 miles just to eat something great; a great day is solitude, it is connecting with people . . a great day is wrestling with Gusta; a great day could be today or tomorrow - we never know till we go exploring - but that was incomplete

a perfect day is one when we wake up
a perfect day is imagination running away
a perfect day begins with a dream and ends with a hope
a perfect day includes smiles and tears, laughter and fears
a perfect day is perfect in paradise or just about anywhere else
a perfect day is this one, that one and the one around the corner
a perfect day is remembering perfect days and imperfect ones too
a perfect day is soup day, savouring the melding of unlikely ingredients

time for an ice-pack on my knee, but first we must go to the store for fish and some lobster fixins; it’s making stock day, a day to stew fish and things to make buckets and buckets of that basic ingredient (thanks Shirley for the ice cream pails) to fill the freezer . . bisque visions . . I can taste it already

‘When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.’- Mark Twain

there are lots of Marks in the world; it seems we all have really good memories of incredible experiences – most had a beginning, a middle and an end . . except the ones that never end . .

ah . . those memories make a perfect day that repeats and repeats

I’ll take stock of those anytime

Mark Kolke
226,772
203.8

Mark – Seems we are feeling the same this Thursday – mine carried into Friday – hopefully better this weekend… If you are ever feeling sad and need someone to talk to I am there for you, VBL, Englewood, Colorado

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Re: relationships, I think it's interesting that you use terms like "locking up". Drawing further parallels to finances, there are investments, debts, transactions, payouts and payoffs... There are high-risk, low-risk, short-term, long-term... English is funny that way - we use the same terms we do in business sometimes when we refer to our personal lives. What's the saying? Never mix business with pleasure? Or never confuse business with pleasure?... Maybe that's why some people are more comfortable in business than in personal - there is more language around us that makes it ring a familiar tone, SS, Calgary

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Mark, Sandra here in Idaho snow! Sorry to hear about your latest embers burning out, and as a fellow seeker of fire for five years now post divorce, I can relate! I especially enjoy the analogy of needing not only the fire, but the fire pit, lot's of wood, lot's of time to enjoy the warm coals. I've shared with you several times how frustrating it's been to continue the quest, ever hopeful that an initial encounter of exploration and adventure, could develop into something enduring...where I could pitch my tent around an inviting well stocked fire pit. I've often thought I would never get married again, or even want to after sampling a smorgasboard of men. But, never say never! Amazingly it's happened at last! A widower I met 10 mo. ago, who was one of many I was dating at the time, has slowly won my heart with his constant kindness, acts of generosity, faithfulness, romantic getaways, adoration of my four children and grandchildren, and so much more! I almost drove him away due to my fearfulness of feeling "trapped" in an exclusive committed relationship. Rather than losing anything however, I discovered when I released the fear, I found joy and great peace. We are planning a wedding in Maui in late December at the Grand Wailea Resort for immediate family and a few friends! We plan to do some real estate investment together, travel the world, include children and grandchildren on selected trips, and heap lot's of wood on the fire so it glows for many to enjoy!! Just wanted to share my happy news with you, since I've enjoyed all your musings regarding the journey of relationships. Keep in touch. You are inspiring, and always reflect a bit of the common life highs and lows your readers identify with. Fondly, SW, Coeur d'Alene, Idaho

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Your writing is lately filled with rich and wonderfully apt metaphors. Much enjoyed and relished by me, MM, Calgary

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No wish to rain on your romp, but think about this: you are Gusta’s parent for as long as time allows. Viewed in that regard, you are responsible for her well being and safety. She will be as happy, I guarantee you, if you teach her to come, heel, stay, sit. It is for her safety. And believe it or not, dogs like to serve, love to be praised for good behaviour, and revel in the expected, the known, the routine of your existence together. She’s a smart girl by your account – she will like learning, and hopefully you will both enjoy long lives x7!, KT, Puerto Vallarta, Mexico

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To LHE, Any man who thinks that they are doing themselves a favour by waiting untilthey are in their 40s to have kids should think again. You need a substantial degree of fitness to keep up to a kid at that age, and you certainly may miss the joy of raising (enough) kids altogether. I have two. They wear me out, but if I was to "do it" all over again, I would have started sooner and tried to build a family with 4, or 6, kids, AK, Calgary

I say get another dog (Gusta will be happier), DJ, Calgary

[written and published from Calgary]

-10C/13F, mix of sun and cloud, Gusta romped off-leash quite disobediently; people keep telling me that obedience training (not sure if they mean dog or owner but it gives me the willies just to think of the collar around my neck . . too much bad karma) is what I need; I think I just need to watch, enjoy, follow, chase and play with my dog while knowing that as I get 1 year older, she ages 7 years . . . so about the time I am 60 she will be 49 and starting to slow down to my speed

surprise, a safe descriptor for my yesterday; my morning began with a surprise ending (a relationship), the afternoon brought chance encounters with an old classmate (KH from 8th grade) and my writing mentor (FD) who shared a coffee, offered some tips, told me of his new place at Owen Sound on Georgian Bay - great to see you Frank and the evening (MVP Advanced Toastmasters) brought unexpected perspective

when something important, valuable, joyous and beautiful comes along in my life there is, in the beginning, this great uncertainty; will it last, will it have lasting value, will it move me, will it change me, will it having lasting value, will it have a ‘best before’ date on the carton?

I am glad it happened, I am sad it is over because there is much to miss, much to treasure fondly, but I understand how its best before date lapsed; like my 8th grade classmate, a sweet memory but another example for my collection of memories when fire, or the wish for fire, alone was not enough; more than a fire, one also needs a fire-pit, lots of wood, lots of time to enjoy warm coals that remain long after intense heat subsides

we were both good to each other, both good for each other; both of us have had relationships which went on too long and hurt too much; in this case we’ve both been let out early; we got time off for good behaviour

some experiences are mistakes, but few

some experiences are errors in judgment, but few

some experiences are meant to last forever, but few

some experiences are like return visits to paradise, but few

some experiences are meant to change our life forever and always, but few

in terms of a lifetime, experiencing a few extraordinary spectacular women have influenced how I see the world

in terms of a life, few is a lot

few regrets in recent years – each adventure, dalliance, rendezvous and romp characterized by wide-eyed optimism in the beginning, laughter until laughter stopped, learning, teaching, touching, being touched – but for the most part not very deeply, not very long, not bad . . not life altering . . not all consuming – but I keep hoping, wishing, wondering: ‘can this be it?’

being pursued as opposed to being the pursuer was a different start; so many great qualities to admire, enjoy and revel in was its beginning; out of the ether arrived charm, grace and sweetness - fuel for a fire I fanned, but exothermic properties wane when fuel is reduced, when oxygen mixes with flame suppressing cloud; uncertainty, doubt, fears and reality invaded the scene

exchanges exploring depth, conviction, a point of view worth defending and the passion to defend it, deep understanding and the pursuit of what we are made of, the why of us, the who we are of us – these are elements which confound any fledgling relationship; the litmus test of going forward or of going away

locking up a long term relationship might not be in the cards for me; the perfect sentence is probably 5 to 10; not sure if that would be weeks, months or years; she has gone away, figuratively and literally; we each enjoyed a brief imprisonment with a notion long term magic would prevail but were not destined to be cellmates in that place very long

warm coals give way to weather; soot and ash wash away leaving something that could be re-lit in that place where the earth has burned a little, leaving a crater of sorts

most of us, probably do this, I know I do; I tend to build new fires in new places with new people to enjoy sitting around a fire-pit, be that a literal one or a visualization of what one would look like, where it would be and who would be huddled with me under a blanket looking up at the stars; it could be on a beach at a lake somewhere in New Brunswick, it could be sitting in a much larger circle around a volcano, it could be right around the corner

either way, combustion of any magnitude usually leaves some form of crater

we all need to see some craters if we are going to have a full life

Mark Kolke
226,796
201.8

Thank you BB for saying it better and more fully than I could. The pain I hear most about is with men who lie and men who cannot tell the difference between having an equal place in the relationship and domination. Sure the living together option is part of many issues, and I agree that it is a double edged sword. I have heard a lot of guys say that if they want to live together they should be able to, with no reference to the feelings of their partner, apparently the partner's only choice is to end the relationship. What might be more workable is guys who are open to living together if their partner is willing - and I doubt that I will hear that anytime soon. Women need to learn to say no when they want a commitment that is not there. Statistics Canada has reported a trend to "living apart together" roughly defined as living apart from someone whose decisions affect your decisions and so on. Women may need to educate each other about the "living apart together" option, and of course living together may be a viable option for those who are not looking for commitment. And as far as compromise is concerned, not everyone wishes to take the greater physical risk and risk if infertility that comes with waiting for your first pregnancy until you are in your late thirties. Maybe guys, who are not going to be pregnant, need to consider their partners feelings before deciding not to have a child until they are forty, LHE, Calgary

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BB truths the lie when sHE says that more choices don't mean that we can chose everything. Its all about priorities; when we chose one thing it moves us closer to something - and further away from something else. The challenge in life is to figure out where we want to be, and make sure we are heading in that direction. Happiness is a process, not a destination, KK, Calgary

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Your mention of Clancy (Tom Clancy) in today’s Musing, reminded me of another Clancy, one of my all-time favourites. This Clancy is the title character of a poem "Clancy of the Overflow". It is a poem by Banjo Paterson, one of Australia's favourite sons, and it was first published in The Bulletin, an Australian news magazine, on December 21, 1889. The poem is typical of Paterson, offering a romantic view of rural life, and is one of his best-known works. It is written from the point of view of a city-dweller who once met the title character, a shearer and drover, and now envies the imagined pleasures of Clancy's lifestyle, which he compares favourably to life in "the dusty, dirty city" and "the round eternal of the cashbook and the journal". The title comes from the address of a letter the city-dweller sends, "The Overflow" being the name of the sheep station where Clancy was working when they met. I have attached the poem – I hope you enjoy the rolling rhythm, the powerful images and wry sense of humour, as much as I do. It is a terrific poem to read out loud! If you have a coffee or lunch time slot open in the next couple of weeks, it would be great to catch up on all the news and views! Let me know if you can see a time when we could get together. Keep on with the mmmmmarvellous Musings!, Regards, ND, Calgary

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Loved the painter image today Mark! Interesting how people hang onto their beliefs and their words...., FA, Calgary

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I did enjoy the painting analogy.....I DO paint and will remember you when I start my next piece. d please keep in touch. Do you ever come to FL?, JW, Ft. Lauderdale

[written and published from Calgary]

-11C/12F, overcast, light snow predicted; Gusta wagged her tail at everyone in sight – wanted to romp off leash but we took an alternate route this morning to avoid suicidal ice everywhere; we took a route through the little park in the neighbourhood

this morning is strange – I tell myself I ‘should’ feel euphoric; it was a great day yesterday, a fun evening with my Toastmaster friends, a good sleep, a slow un-rushed start, lots of interesting things to do today, fresh air in my lungs, who-hoo . .all is great, but euphoria eludes me; not because of things that did not work out perfectly yesterday, not because of a pile of stuff that needs to be done – but because of some things that cannot be un-done

reality is that thing I skirt around, pull-away from, get close, reject, accept, fight with, avoid and confront . . and that is just before noon!

another day came, another day went; what did I learn?

about others, not much; about myself, more than most days; about anger – that it is silly

frustration and anger are companions - I should not let them get together any more than necessary, sometimes it is necessary; some things need to be told, some people need to be told

reality has arrived, or rather my acceptance of it has become more complete recently; I cannot make things the way I want them to be by wishing it so or by steps I take; I am the person I am – that is easy to accept; accepting that other people are the way they are is easy, in theory

accepting some of its implications today really sucks, accepting that other people are who they are – personality, behaviours, attitudes – that is easy with respect to everyone . . except when it relates to someone who matters

but, hey, wait a minute!

I have lots of people in my life who are ‘just as they are’, they have quirks and idioTsyncrasies, they have nuances of personality, of brilliance, of pathos – that does not trouble me, that is who they are

some days words are more than a handful; on those days being a painter would be better I think because painters spash feelings all over a canvas – there are no tidy sentences, constructed phrases; painting does not exhibit grammar, but surely it has language

if I was a painter today, I would paint large, I would paint sadness moving into joy; I would paint darkness giving way to enlightenment (not Machu Pichu enlightenment, but bigger than a flashlight); there would be large splashes of joy in the middle, surrounded by dark foreboding clouds; the clouds would be threatening inevitable rain on the fire in the centre of the joy part; the fire is not raging but you can tell just by looking that it was very hot just a short while ago

this painting would have Calgary snow banks on one side, Maui beaches on another; in the middle I am standing there . . quite solitary, very alone . . one foot in yesterday, one foot in tomorrow

thriller author Tom Clancy, said:

“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”

the difference between Clancy and me today is that he is a writer, today I am a painter

Mark Kolke
226,820
202.4

Well done!!! Putting on paper (electrons) the thought process that works many of us into a frenzy....then twist the light to look at ourselves and how our communications are received by others. The frenzy seems to melt away when we know how others perceive us. We await your first (official) publication (recognizing this blog etc as an unofficial publication. You just need some mechanism of compensation to make it "official"...or do you need further compensation?). Keep the Musings going!! HBB, Calgary

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I just wanted to let you know that I thought your musing today was one of the best I’ve read so far. What I’ve found works best for me is to ask the person, whose words threw me for a loop, to clarify just what it was they were trying to convey. As for my own personal screw-ups, I, like everyone else I’m sure, have said things out of angst, anger, sadness, frustration or simply too much to drink, not enough sleep or just plain poor judgment and that doesn’t necessarily mean that’s who I am. It only means that it’s what I was feeling at the time and feelings can be skewed by a multitude of different things. All we can do is ask, ask, ask. It sounds like you are wrestling with something these past few days. I hope you are well, SB, Calgary

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Hi - from where I am I read your musings as they are sent and the day is almost done. I thought about today and how many times I had to be sure I chose, and delivered, each handful of words so as not to offend or turn a relationship in the wrong direction. In this world a bad choice of words or a poor expression of them, will have permanent consequences. As opposed to your muse the words themselves probably would be forgotten but never forgiven. In that context, which circumstance should we prefer? An easy choice for me. Keep on thinking ! Your friend – SC, Dubai

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To FA: I am a woMAN and when I chair meetings I am happily a chairMAN and should I ever aspire to civic government in Calgary I will happily be an alderMAN. If the feMALE alderMEN in Calgary are experiencing gender discrimination then simply calling them councilors isn't going to stop it and the energy expended on changing the title would be better used to address the actual discrimination. I think we get too hung up on semantics and political correctness and forget what the real issues are. Speaking of semantics; "right livelihood" seems a bit holier-than-thou to me. Does this mean that if my livelihood/job/means of support is not derived from a renewable resource it is a "wrong livelihood"? The woMEN's movement was an important and necessary milestone in our development - prior to the famous 5, woMEN in Alberta weren't even considered persons - but I think there are some who have lost perspective and are putting too much energy into activities that are not addressing the actual inequality that still exists. Along with the good that the woMEN's movement has accomplished I believe it has also done a disservice to many woMEN, the men they marry and their children. The woMEN's movement gave us more choices but incorrectly told us we could chose everything. There are an unfortunately large number of children who have been raised in daycares or by nannies because their mothers were told they could have a family and be CEO. There is also the issue of traditional feMALE roles being looked down on by woMEN who have bought into feminist propaganda (the stay-at-home mother vs. the working mother is a very real debate and issue for many woMEN). Sadder still is that the woMEN's movement in its more extreme forms has tried to eradicate or at least negate the intrinsic differences between men and woMEN. Can we not accept and celebrate our differences? I like to be feminine and I quite frankly enjoy having a man hold a door open for me, stand up when I do and provide the numerous other little courtesies that are considered inappropriate by some feminists. I also believe that there is a place for men to be masculine. Lest I be labeled as ultra-traditional or anti-feminist or something of that nature; I am a 40 something year old woMAN who has worked in the male dominated field of engineering in the high tech sector for 15 years where I am more often then not the only woMAN on my project teams. Oh, and before going back to school to pursue engineering I was a draftsMAN....gender neutral alternative; draftsperson, drafter....puuullleeease!!!! Going back to LHE's comments on February 19th; I totally agree that what a woMAN wants and cares about matters, however, I also think that woMEN have gotten very good at labeling and complaining about men's shortcomings but are all too often failing to accept responsibility for their own choices and actions. How many woMEN who complain that their men don't value what they want or care about have truly acknowledged and supported what their partners want or care about? As a woMAN whose 20 year marriage ended 2 years ago, I have done a lot of thinking and reading about what contributes to a good relationship. I realize now that the man I was married to would have been a better husband if I had been a better wife. Regarding relationship timing; perhaps one reason why men control the timing of a lot of relationships is that too many woMEN are in too big of a hurry. Regardless, for life impacting decisions like when to get married and when to have children there is no compromise; you both must be wholly ready. To ask a man to compromise on when to get married or when to have children is to ask him to marry or have a child before he believes he is ready - not a good idea unless your goal is to be a divorced, single mother. If he is really the man for you then you will be willing to wait until he is ready. Conversely if he doesn't look like he will ever be ready then he is not the guy for you. The double edged sword that the feminist movement achieved is sexual freedom which has in turn lead to living together being more socially acceptable. If a woMAN has chosen to live with a man who has not committed to her and has not committed to having children with her at some specific point in the future then I would suggest that she has only herself to blame when the relationship does not progress the way she would like it to, BB, Calgary

-5C/23F, clear and calm; sunshine will continue to warm those buds (scroll down to picture) that ache for spring’s arrival; I am sure Gusta visited every piece of yellow snow she could find this morning, looking for friends who are not there but she knows where they have been

a handful of words, quite the phrase

words cannot be held in our hands any more than they 'hang in the air'; once spoken they do not retract and cannot be contained or held

a handful of words can bring us joy or drive us a little bit crazy; a handful of words can inspire us to do our life’s work or, they can stop us dead in our tracks; a handful of words can build us up, bring us down, cheer us on or denigrate us; a handful of words can do so much more, they can leap us forward to judgments; a handful of words cannot define anyone, but a few slipping out can often reveal far more than weeks or months or years of close examination

where I sit bears little relevance to how I function, act or react; sitting on my sofa, looking out into the blackness, as if I was on a lanai somewhere palm trees blow - I would be faced with the same choices; sitting here, on my sofa, nearly every morning I take a few minutes to read some things I have saved – my daily guidebook if you will; each morning I am reminded of the significance of my EVERY choice about EVERYTHING . . . the consequences each time could be enormous; choosing to act or react

"Every choice moves us closer to or farther away from something. Where are your choices taking your life? What do your behaviours demonstrate that you are saying yes or no to life?" - Eric Allenbaugh

it was a lightning bolt out of the blue sky, it hit me; thud, thank you

how many times have we all felt that, as someone we know (or thought we knew) makes a statement that alters how we view them?

try as I might I cannot get this one thing out of my mind, that statement, that handful of words; cannot shake it

once that handful of words enters my consciousness it can take root; like anything else foreign that enters my body; not like a glass or plateful of nourishment; more like a sliver that can fester, irritate and get worse but it rarely gets better without some form of intervention

prevention, of course, seems the best; if only that handful of words had not been said

forgivable, maybe; forgettable, not a chance

yes, that’s it - turn back the clock, stuff those words back where they came from, stick those words where sun never shines

that is what I wish that I could wish for, but what is done cannot be undone, what is said cannot be un-said

undoing is my undoing sometimes; how can I make myself not think about this one little thing (OK, so I am making a big thing of it)?

but it really isn't a little thing; it may not be one of those 'defining moment moments' but that handful of words is not easily dismissed or ignored; obviously discussion is called for; but first come my ruminations

I seem to need to work those through; did I hear it right, did I hear it in context?

is it representative of how that person really feels, or was it just an off-hand comment?

crap, no one makes that kind of comment off-handedly, do they?

I could be that I am really over-reacting to nothing at all, just a handful of words that do not represent someone’s deeply held views – but I think they do, I think that little leak revealed a hugely important issue that is otherwise obscured from view

to confront this is a healthy choice, to not confront it is an unhealthy one - I tell myself this like it is something I MUST repeat to myself in order to keep this in perspective; but, crap, no one makes that kind of comment off-handedly, do they?

several days have passed – am I still seeing this in perspective, or has a hind-ward view been clouded by a hundred other little things?

what has this taught me so far, is there a kernel there that will help me?

I think so, or so it would seem sitting on the sofa sipping my 3rd cuppa jo

a very talented speaker gave me some advice – just a handful of words: “what will they think about differently when I am done?”

today I will meet many people, I will speak to two groups and countless individuals as I go through my day; some will just hear or see me going by, others will hear one isolated comment, one snippet to gain an impression which might be true, or not

will they hear my words as meant them, or will they hear just enough to get it really wrong, really out of context, really skewed from what the speaker intended?

will they tilt on one isolated, out of the blue, out of context remark; will it drive them a little nuts, will it cause them to examine something?

what will they think about differently when I am gone?

will someone ruminate for days over a handful of my words?

from where I sit, I hope so

Mark Kolke
226,844
204.0

Mark – I’ll bet you are a great cook! You have a real appreciation for the finer but simple things in life. VBL, Englewood, Colorado

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Re: shift to bisque - Feb. 20 musing . . 'words' in the soup; The comments from LHE about gender stuff, tweaked my interest today....Just received response from the Alberta Human Rights Commission dismissing our complaint (submitted three years ago) re language used at Calgary City Hall.... "Alderman" v.s. perhaps the more appropriate word "Councillor/council member" used in most cities across North America, even in places like Red Deer!!! Is patriarchy alive and well in Government review processes??? In Washington DC??? I ponder ... of course this 'review' was done by several males (making a living) tho the human rights complaint/submission was made by five women and four men! I can only roll my eyes! The whole area of language -- the underlying meaning of words -- interests me … including your comments re "making a living", and the concept of "jobs" etc … I prefer the language "right livlihood" used by my permaculture friend who is building strawbale homes locally.... in terms of how we can live well in our bioregions without exploiting resources(local and global) and using materials, and our own energies well/ appropriately in light of the current assessment of global footprints/sustainability … I sometimes wonder about the 'job mentality ' that we/ kids get from attending government educational institutions and wonder whether we need to reconsider' wealth', in terms of other guideposts … social equity … family lifestyles … meaningful work … ethical employment … planetary sustainability. his gets into political discussions about literacy,GNP,capitalism, militarism, etc.... and of course tho everything we do is 'political' … let's not go there! I like to think of myself as a bioregionalist -- perhaps because I was Calgary born, ( in one of the world's most overdeveloped nations) tho I like to think I have a global/long term perspective on most things … For what it is worth -- ramblings triggered by your musings this morning …. FA, Calgary

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Good Morning Mark! Chilly here on Maui this morning … hmmm … Lobster Bisque … what a delightful thought. I find myself amused that I open, with ardent anticipation, a daily blog by a man I do not know. Mahalo for your gift to the world … you, Aloha, GR, Kula, Hawaii

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RE: shelter - Feb. 18 musing; You know how much I love reading your musings but, sometimes I think you share intimate details about your mates that are not appropriate. VBL, Englewood, Colorado

2C/35F, windy and overcast, sleet blowing around with dark clouds rolling in; fresh air and a wet face made me stand tall and walk fast; Gusta oblivious to it all

getting to my goals is complex, they are more than just tools used to make a living but guidance for making a life; I didn’t go to Nanton with a goal in mind, but I found treasure there; now lobster bisque is on my list of goals, but first I need to make some stock which requires I first buy lots of cheap fish suitable for boiling and onions and spices too - my bique goal is achievable this week

a Nanton antique shopping trip yesterday was fun; I am now the proud owner of mint condition circa 1900 white English stoneware soup terrine with lid, which has me thinking of lobster bisque, the only soup fitting an inauguration of so fine a piece

I set goals, you set goals, we all set goals; we set them in our minds, we set them on pages, in planning books, on whiteboards, blackboards . . . we set them; setting goals is good – don’t get me wrong, I think it is a great activity

but what sets the actions in motion to achieve them?

I set them but sometimes I get lazy or I get discouraged because one of my goals looks like too big a stretch or because there are too many of them that are long term with too few shorter term ones on my list

yesterday I was pondering a couple of my big ones; my big hairy audacious goals (BHAGs)– so far I’ve done lots of note making, research and talking around them, but not acting seriously on actions to achieve them; there always seems to be a list of good reasons

they are good; keeping commitments, finishing things in progress, meeting deadlines, working hard, making a living. . . but not nearly enough action; maybe my goals were too bold for my subconscious comfort level, maybe they weren’t quite ripe for plucking

I’ve set many goals, achieved many of them; each time the horizon looks different I tend to re-examine them, refine them, re-define them . .

in business and perhaps to a lesser degree in our personal lives we stop now and then to measure how we are doing in pursuit of our goals; you know, the ones we set; we set them at the beginning of the year or when we reached the last one or maybe just set them on a whim; sometimes we set them when we are waxing after a satisfying moment, sometimes when we are frustrated by some obstacle that fell on our path

this Tuesday I have many things to do, many goals to achieve; most of them will take a while but a few are shorter term goals - we need those I think, so we get a sense of satisfaction we are taking steps that lead us somewhere (these steps in my mind are an up-staircase) –not always leading us directly to our goals, but leading us somewhere good

yesterday - in the middle of the afternoon - I set a new goal, a short-term one; the goal was lobster bisque

to achieve my goal, I need a terrine; oh yes, I need the lobster meat, the cream, the sherry, the stock . . but those are incidental; first order of business was the terrine; it was just sitting there so white and clean, its elegant lines so fine; its history is that of simply having grown old without life having taken chips and chunks out of it; it has not been smashed along the way – as if it has been waiting for over 100 years just for me, just for my bisque

I may have set the goal 'as I saw the terrine', but I think this lobster bisque goal has been building within me for quite some time, just waiting for the right action moment

achievement of little goals bolsters and supports us as we do the long hard slugging to reach the BHAGs; I know I need to retain the flexibility to see opportunities to set short term goals, to act on them

great goals are not always mouth-watering experiences, but it is nice when they are

this week is short, lots to do; no big dragons or goals to be slain this week; I think, for just now, I’ll shift to bisque

Mark Kolke
226,868
202.4

Hi Mark I wish that you could go to every classroom in the country and tell young men that women are people who matter and that a relationship might be worth compromises that don't offend your values. Plus be honest! Despite feminist achievements, I hear a lot of concerns from women that guys totally control the timing of relationships, guys keep lots of relevant things secret, and guys refuse to admit the difference between small stuff (where we go for dinner) and big things (when we have children). Yes, what a woman wants and cares about matters! Thank you Mark, for mentioning the possibility of compromise, a practical way to implement the fact that women matter! LHE, Calgary

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Hi Mark, Nice to hear from you.....I am in Ft Lauderdale now......I transferred from Hawaii. How are you? I have been off for some time......busy with life., JW, Ft. Lauderdale

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I've read most if not all of your musings since my RE email address was merged into your delivery list while all of my associates asked to be removed from that list saying it was hokey; I see it differently though .... what you are doing requires cajones (which isn't to say that a woman can't of course); not many people in this mortal coil would embark to manifest the disciplined approach to artistic expression which you have adopted; I recall reading your statement you weren't getting all responses and I know you didn't respond to my only email response; the one that said the only Zen you find a mountaintop is that which you bring, JM, Calgary

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Hello again from the lonestar state ... amazing at is, President's Day (or Presidents Day) is not a working holiday for most. My daughter is in school, my wife is teaching at school....what is strange or amazing is that Martin Luther King Day was a working holiday for teachers and day off for students, but not President's Day??? How so, I ask ? ....shall I risk by suggesting that it is 'compromise' ? ... hmmm, I ponder. Good old Family Day .... bizarre holiday, but accepted by most Albertans. Speaking of compromise, yesterday was a sports disaster on TV .. unless you are a Nascar disciple and the Daytona 500 ruled all. Sports was thin, there was PGA golf (good for any Sunday nap), good old fishing, a late NBA All-star game, and NASCAR all afternoon ... so, I compromised and flipped channels between PGA golf and NASCAR .. I must admit, both of them equally had the sleep factor on me ... cars roaring around in circles reminded me of when I was a kid in the back seat of the car on road trips with the family .. impossible to stay awake. Golf, with the whispering of the commentators would put King Kong to sleep on any given day....so, I compromised...I slept through both, occasionally switching channels to see what could or would cause me to bolt to attention and sit at the edge of my recliner. The almost photo finish of the car race was excellent, and the 3 hole overtime in PGA golf was enough to do keep my attention. So, yes, there is compromise. My wife slept through all of it. But if she asked to watch a 'chick flick' instead and batted her beautiful eyes at me, I would have melted and compromised it all.....standard. Have a great Family Day, JT, Houston

[written and published from Calgary]


-7C/19F, cloudy, gusty wind warming things up again; yesterday’s footprints are traction preventing ruts today that dogs just ignore while owners struggle to say erect; the wind stings a bit but it so fresh you could taste it

today is a holiday in many places; Family Day here, Presidents Day in the US while surely a work day somewhere else; hey there MW, don’t forget that CN celebrates a birthday today!

“COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.” - Ambrose Bierce

compromise is something I could never spell, let alone do, but lately as grey hairs outnumber all the other colours I am shifting to a new appreciation of things, a better appreciation of people; everything seems to have a price; in some form we give and get; what do we wish for, what will give up to have it?

the women I’ve been drawn to seem to have this power, to make men putty in their hands; no matter how stern or rough or immune we try to fake being, we men (each having their own type of woman perhaps), find this happens to us . . . it is not like an addiction to drug or alcohol, it is not a habit like smoking or gambling, it is without those negatives – but it pulls us, draws us, affects us and alters our behaviour

we let her, we want her, we admire her . . when she does these simple things; these things that make us melt, these things that soften us up to reveal our vulnerability, our weaknesses; what is this mysterious thing called the ‘woman of a certain age?’

are we simply weak, weakly simple or just really really clever?

I am strong of purpose, resolved in principles and I work like a bulldog with an ‘I never give up’ approach to things that matter; I’ve never been a complete pushover, but I have been relatively easy with some glaring exceptions, but . . men, and I think I am qualified to generalize on behalf of my sub-species, go mushy in the head when the woman-du-jour impresses us

are we complete pushovers . . do we want to completely change our plans, drastically alter our ‘what I want to do today’ or set aside our edginess or questions or reservations at the drop of a hat . . . . do we want to go for a drive in the country or simply hang out over scrambled eggs and coffee . . or all the above?

but really, how important is ‘getting our way’ or resisting changes to our routine, our lifestyle, our way of being?

truth is, though we will often try to avoid talking about it, we are pretty flexible, but we are compromised all the time

we give way on anything – everything – all the time, any time . . just to enjoy the hug of someone in rumpled hair gracing our kitchen in their long-johns (OK, pink long-johns) . . to find out what secrets Victoria is keeping?

will we admit that we bend to her will any time we get the chance; no, of course not

but we do

Mark Kolke
226,892
202.8

Re: trying harder now - Feb. 17 musing; Beautiful shot!, SS, Calgary

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Just infrom Cuba late last night and flying to Toronto this afternoon. Will call later. Thanks for remembering my B'day, BP, Calgary

[written and published from Calgary]

4C/39F, strong warm winds toss Chinook clouds around, the sky a moving blue canvas; water in the streets, the snow wet, just right for perfect snowballs; Gusta unsure if she should eat some or wait to drink it or seek shelter

“I felt it shelter to speak to you.” - Emily Dickinson

to those who are there for me, rain or shine, you honour me, you help me, you make me better and I always enjoy talking with you; sometimes the speaking is a tap on the shoulder, a hug when I am down, a cheer when I am up ... or an email reminder or a little something that makes me laugh or smile . . thank you

everybody needs this; not every day, but everybody needs this

we drove through Chinatown - gung hay fat choy - as new year’s celebrations (year of the pig) got underway – heading north on Centre Street to a scrumptious dinner; I recommend the seafood platter at Da Guido followed by dessert at Bonterra . . what a fantastic treat; coffee and chocolate appropriately combined prevent sleep before 3:30AM; the company very good too

everybody needs this; not every night, but everybody needs this

I don't want to be around people who agree with me to be agreeable, I don't want to be around people who tell me how much they know or how great they are any more than if they tell me how great I am; I want to be around people who tell me and show me who they are - being real, being failed and flawed sometimes, being extraordinary at others

everybody needs this; not every week, but everybody needs this

knowing someone more deeply than before – the drilling down – passes through many layers, it pierces old ways, old views, and snippets which represent nothing even close to a full picture; some people know us well – not because of how deep we drill or how fast we drill but because we care to drill, some barely know us at all because they can’t be bothered to try

everybody needs this; not every month, but everybody needs this

sometimes that can be the learning that comes lingering over dinner conversation, sometimes it is the hushed tones of the middle of the night, sometimes it is a comforting note or an understanding ear

everybody needs this; not every year, but everybody needs this

if someone made a single statement, an off-hand remark or a point of view – however misguided we think it might be in the moment – is that what they are made of? how they treat us on good days and bad days or any day or any other day matters more than everything else, good or bad, happy or sad

everybody needs this; not all the time, but everybody needs this

in a strong wind I seek shelter, everybody needs this; I can still taste the scampi, I can still taste you

Mark Kolke
226,916
203.4

I just got back and read the 2nd half of musings (apparently it exceeded the limit allowable on the BBerry). Wow...you've been busy. Wanna talk? Friends - not couch time (and $90 only buys 31 minutes these days). I certainly can't tell from what you've been sharing on line what's happening in your relationship - but then it's not for us to know. Hope you're OK - though it seems you are. Just very thoughtful, CB, Calgary

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Mark, I'm not sure if you were at B&B guest at the Alexander Hamilton House in Croton on Hudson or someone just added my name to your list. I have enjoyed getting your musings at any case although I have never before replied. In September, I retired to Mashpee, Cape Cod with my second husband, Steven. We (he 52 and I 60) don't feel old enough to do nothing but definites were too stressed to keep working 24/7. So here we are in a beautiful house on a 200 acre pond in a rural neighborhood getting unimaginable pleasure from watching the birds come to the feeders, just outside our dining room. We lost our 110 pound golden retriever, Mushy, in December and spend the next months truly grieving for an integral part of our family. A month ago, we adopted, Clara, a 20 pound Boston Terrier who is working really hard at filling the big hole which Mushy left in our hearts. I'm not sure folks without dogs will ever understand how close we become to our dogs and how wrenching it is to lose them. I also have a 27 year old daughter. Mine grew up in our inn. She survived the end of my first marriage and has a really terrific relationship with her Dad as well as staying very close to me. 27 seems to be the age when Mothers and daughters seem able to finally resolve differences that have separated them before. Although I have long known that one never changes anyone else but oneself, it is very interesting to see changes in her awareness of who she is and who I am. All through growing up, Cyd strove to be as different from me as she could, but over the years has matured and allowed the best part of both me and her Dad to emerge. It has helped greatly that just as I prepared to sell my inn, she stepped up to ask if it was too late to take over the inn. Stepping into my shoes was not easy for her, but she did it and is getting better every day. I have always offered seminars and internships for aspiring innkeepers at the inn and will continue to do them a few times a year for the next few years. For me it's a way to give back to an industry that has made a very good life for me and my family. I spoke to a woman who is opening her inn in Cape May in NJ. She was desperate to take the internship this week. I could not be there. Cyd said 'NO PROBLEM!" She would do it. By the end of the first day, she was on the phone complaining that she would never get through the week. The woman was questioning her experience; would ask new questions before she finished answering the first; would turn to Rich, our newbie asst innkeeper when she didn't like the answers she got to questions she asked Cyd, and so on. This was going to be a long week. I told Cyd that she was up to the task and although she might never warm up to this woman, she would be able to teach her what she needed to know and learn something in the process. By mid week, I spoke to the intern. She told me that although Cyd was the same age as her youngest child and she was sure on arrival that this kid wouldn't be able to teach her anything, she had a big awakening. Cyd knows so much, has taught her so much and what an invaluable week this has been for her. Teaching always looks easy and seldom is. Cyd learned all about that this week. By the end of the internship week, the intern is very jazzed about her new career. Cyd is totally drained. I had a big smile on my face when yesterday's phone call made very clear how much Cyd had learned about me and my life as well as her own. She said "Mom, you always made the job look easy so people thought it was easy. I thought when interns came you made money for someone coming to help you do your job. I had no idea how hard this week would be, how difficult it would be to have someone shadow me doing my job and asking a million questions about everything I did. If she paid 3 times as much, it wouldn't have been enough. I understand now what you meant about giving back." I asked her if she would do it again. The reply "Maybe, but not soon. I'm totally exhausted." I hung up feeling very proud and close to my only child. BN, www.alexanderhamiltonhousecapecod.com , Mashpee, Ma

[written and published from Calgary]

-4C/26F, overcast, sidewalks and streets through the neighbourhood are a choppy icefield; we found the plowed path along over the bridge and along the ridge(scroll down to see the view) was an easy walk until we got to stairmaster-hill where I opted not to be suicidal; we encountered those old-gal retrievers Julie and Mollie who lack patience to deal with Gusta

this date, at 2AM, 27 years ago a 10 lb, 8 oz. bundle of joy named Krista was born; her humour, competitiveness and love of sports has never wavered – neither has her father’s pride or love; happy birthday Krista

as any divorced parent surely does, my concern for my children's well-being goes beyond the usual hope/cheer/love/praise/admire stuff; it goes to the issues of 'how did we parent?', how could we have done it better, how could I have been a better dad and, of course, how could I have been a better husband/wife so the divorce would never have happened . . . ???

which is followed by how could I have made a different choice of mate?

which is followed by ‘what was I thinking?’

which is followed by ‘if I had chosen differently, I would have had different children with someone else’

which is followed by ‘but I love my kids, I wouldn’t want any others’

which is followed by ‘so how could I have helped them better then?’ and ‘how can I help them better now?’

I think of these issues often enough, but they seem to land in my mind and my belly more on birthdays; I wonder how could two ACOA parents have not seen our inevitable personal and inter-personal conflicts, foreseen the impact on our lives and our children from unresolved issues dooming our marriage, affecting our behaviour, affecting our parenting, affecting our children

we are not alone; the complexity of many family lives, relationships, divorces, non-divorces(people who stay together ‘for the children’)

to anyone with whom any of this resonates, I need to deal with my stuff, you get to deal with yours; my answers are not your answers . . we each need to figure ourselves out though I wonder if we are anywhere nearly as unique as we think we are

I think there is a broader context here that I have been thinking about a lot lately, and particularly this morning - a frustrating collision that opens old wounds, déjà vu pain without relief; this very familiar territory to most of us

can it be fixed?

is there a solution, a remedy, a potion, a medicine to make it better?

as I think about this, as I spend time trying to figure out someone else, trying to dissect the fine line between seeing someone’s chosen behaviour and their true nature - that I might be better off focusing on my own

what about my nature, my tendencies, my ‘way of being’ gets in the way of my relationships that I can control, fix, change . . etc . . how can my role in relationships change so I can produce a better result?

I keep wondering if it is about caring or about need; I keep pondering whether it is about understanding the other party or about understanding me

or both

I've read a lot of books on relationships and every time I wonder a book store I read the titles, thumb a few - sometimes I'll watch someone good on TV, or I listen to someone smart who knows lots because it is their profession - it seems to be a self driven perpetual motion machine to sell books and tapes, to sell couch time at the head shop - to support the notion we are ALMOST good enough to solve our problems but not quite . . for that we need help at $29/book or $90/hour . .

you, me, our children, our parents, our friends, our foes – we all have something in common; we all manage our relationships with one another; sure we have feelings – some of us even express them – but mostly we have relationships to manage

this involves only two elements we can control; the rest we cannot

our relationship with that person, and the relationship we have with ourselves

I used to think of these as two separate things that did not necessarily collide, but my view is shifting

I have had two many opportunities lately to observe people I know keeping these separate, at their peril, for these to be coincidences to ignore

I see friends and family members trying as hard as they are capable of getting someone else to change, getting someone else to change their view, to change how they deal with one another; in each case I see them failing notwithstanding sincere efforts because, as they try to change the inter-personal dynamics there seems to be an equal or larger resistance to changing ANY of the inner-personal dynamics

this is not simple denial

not just 'I don't need to change, he/she does' situation, but an illogical expectation that a relationship can change because two people agree it should when both parties do not change

instead of a healthier relationship emerging because some self-examination helped both get to a different place – not to find old scabs to pick, but to emerge with a fresh perspective; instead of that, old battles get relived, old scripts play out the same old way, old wounds get sore because some fresh punches are landed where pain has not healed

I need to get to a new place . . I think I am making good progress; I didn’t try harder sooner but I am trying harder now

I think my daughters are making better progress in their lives at their ages than I did in mine; they deal with things very differently than I did which I think is a really good thing

in so many ways I am so very proud of them; I need to tell them more often than I do

this is the ‘Family Day’ long weekend in Alberta . . . how fitting

Mark Kolke
226,940
203.6

Aloha, Mark: I love your musings but my e-mail is really getting full in my absence. could I please have you put a hold on sending me these until after 3/1? Mahalo. PDL, Lahaina

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Hi There, Can you please add XXXXX to your e-mail list for the daily musings? I really enjoy reading them. Thanks!, CM, Calgary

...

Hello Mark, I haven't written to you for some time. Since I got back from ski ing I've been extremely busy with work pouring in. Also an investment I made years ago has finally paid off so the pressure to work just to keep the wolf from the door is off. However they do say "lucky at cards, unlucky in love" so the fact that I'm now quite well off will strangely deter men. That must be why my valentine date cancelled 15 mins before the rendezvous. Another waste of make up. I just wanted to say how much I liked your photographs that you put on here both of Maui and Calgary. They are really good. Another talent of yours. I also want to comment on this business of questing. Since looking for someone is fated to be a waste of time, I still persist in looking for things. I had the misfortune to lose my mobile phone whilst out walking Nellie earlier this week. After an hour's walk I got back to the car and noticed it was missing somewhere on Newmarket Heath. Walked back along the route and it was nowhere to be found. So I went back to town and collected a friend and her phone and we walked and dialed hoping to hear it against the wind that had conveniently whipped up. But no. So as it got dark I walked out again with another friend, in the drizzle and darkness and after about a mile in saw my lonely little phone blinking at me from the long grass and heard the familiar ringtone. It was worth spending the entire day looking as far as I'm concerned. I got my phone back and Nellie was truly walked out. Someone once read my tarot and told me that one day all my chickens would come home to roost. Let's hope they hold off for a while as avian flu has just broken out in Suffolk. Best wishes from, SK, Suffolk, UK

...

Hi Mark, I am in good old Calgary. XXXXXXX has been forwarding your emails to me and as I mentioned I have really enjoyed your musings. Like you I have two fabulous grown daughters one married and one single, whom I am very very proud of, in addition, two grandsons who are teaching me about the world, in particular the male psyche. They are such guys, one is 27 months old, and just celebrated the 1st birthday of my second grandson! Although I see their feelings of mastering their universe and their accomplishments, I also see their full range of feelings. They mean the world to me, I am learning so much from them. This is interesting talking with you, because you share yourself at such a deep level; it almost feels like I know you. I have dated over the years, just not found “my heart’s desire”. I am still in the game of life, enjoying every day, the pain and the triumphs, still brave of heart. It is nice when how you share little tidbits about your “squeeze”, your gal is a lucky lady. I am of French heritage and I need to have the whole experience, I need the philosophical package. I’m still working on me, but I also want to know what my guy thinks, really thinks! This is probably a “bit” more of a bit…I hope all is well with you, and that you and Gusta have a great weekend with this sunshine! “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” – Helen Keller, DB, Calgary

...

[written and published from Calgary]

0C/32F, another warm day unfolds; all that snow, all that slush - through it all Gusta seems to be able to smell (and chase) the rodents though she did not come up with anything live

to CB & BP . . happy birthday

to BB . . congrats, 9 years on your extended warranty and you are still ticking like a Timex;
these precious three are three among many who impact life; some often, some rarely . . but in some little or large way they have affected me . . and I them

to BB . . this is for you:

ink on paper, paint on canvas . . or the impression we make on everyone you touch in your daily life IS what matters most, lasts longest, marks where we have been, is the legacy we leave

we easily realize this concept when it is someone brilliant, famous, prolific who fills the page or paints the canvas or leaps off the screen; entertainer, artist, politician, intellectual – it is easy to understand when the people have names we know like Warhol, Picasso, Yeats, Lincoln, Michaelangelo, Churchill, Glenn, Galileo . . you get the picture

is our canvas any less grand?

is our ability one bit less because we lack the talent or reputation to have our work hung in a gallery or because we do not stand on a world stage with cameras rolling?

each day a blank page awaits for all of us

you paint yours, I paint mine

it can be a page, or a canvas or a blue sky or a spare hour; our canvas might be the faces of the people we have an impact on today

how many people see the world, or their role in life or see you DIFFERENTLY at the end of this day because of something you did?

we all paint a picture for others to see; we are all sculpting the image others see when we are not in the room, not in town . . or when we are no longer here

just think about the people who are gone; they might have moved away, been alienated or died - the impressions you have of them are not memories of what you did, but of what they did, how they looked, what they said, how they lived their life when you knew them, when you last saw them, when you last told them how you felt about them

for me it begins . . as each keystroke I make reduces the amount of white-space on this page, it fills up by the end of the day, sometimes it feels like art, sometimes it feels like a 3 yr old with too many crayons

sometimes it is tidy, sometimes it is a blur or a mess or incomplete

each morning I start with a fresh canvas

our lives, the lives of our friends, the lives of our adversaries, the lives of our loved ones, the lives of everyone – whether they matter to us or not – make an impression every day on their blank canvas

not just a contrast of black and white, substance on absence

someone, some thing, some idea, some experience added to the nothing on that daily canvas

sometimes it is just daily routine that marks where we’ve been, what we’ve done; some days (most) no one notices what we’ve done

this world of ours is not about sound-bytes and who said them, greatness is in every one of us – all we have to do is be real, be truthful, be there; we can be genuine or we can be phoney, we can be self serving or we can serve others, we can be loving or hateful

everything that is good or bad in the world is a product of our time, of our generation, of history, of pain, of experience, of politics, of culture, of faith, of humanity, of inhumanity - or, is it a product of ourselves - flawed and ordinary people?

every one of us makes a difference to tens and hundreds – perhaps thousands of people – we don’t do it with masterpieces or takeovers or discoveries; we do it because we put a little of our blood sweat and tears on our canvas every day

billions of us paint in obscurity, very few of us affect many outside our family or local community - what matters is that we made something of our day, what matters is how we treated those who don't matter to us, those who can do nothing for us . .

keep going . . go make a difference in someone's life by continuing to live yours fully; be creative, be exuberant, be outrageous, be simple, be kind, be gentle, be swift

you are partner, friend, colleague; you have been a client, an adversary, a putz and a pain; you have shown me by good examples and poor ones too the goodness in you, the value of friendship, the value of life – I’m so glad I’ve had a chance to be part of yours and you have been part of mine

some folks, like BB, come with an extended warranty - they get a new lease on life, and they keep signing off on the renewals . .

some don’t

just be you, all day today

when tomorrow comes, grab a fresh page/canvas, do it again

Mark Kolke
226,988
204.0

Good luck with your blog but please remove me from your list. Thank you, SA, ?

. . .
Good Evening, Please subscribe XXXXXXXX to your daily musings. I have been getting them from someone else, and I enjoy them very much every day. Your last two days were particularly interesting, especially for those of us who are brave of heart in this search for love…for our soul mate…who still dare to dream, wish, hope for love...all the while knowing that perhaps it is right around the corner…perhaps… Thank you, DB, ?

[written and published from Calgary]

2C/5F, strong breeze under Chinook clouds; wow what a difference 24 hours can make; if you don't like the weather in Alberta, just take a nap; Gusta made up for a couple of days of curtailed exercise, turning her ears off and her engine on while I plodded through deep, though softer, snow accumulation around the lagoon

everyone gets to choose which view of which facet of V-day makes them smile; a few frown but fewer still frown the whole day

manifestation of things romantic, lovely and sweet peak on V-day or maybe they just pique our interest; traditions vary from person to person, country to country, from youth to antiquity; everyone sees it through their own set of eyes, their own set of feelings; we might rail against the commercialization of it all, but few would argue it is a bad day to have, however blue or disconnected they might be

it is a day for love, for thinking about love, for longing for love, for whining about love, for pining about love; happy or sad, we think about love that day; women get sappy, men get mushy, couples make love or go through motions - even when it is bad, it is 'not so bad' that people cannot enjoy some of it

some people celebrated birthdays, some got engaged, some got married, some called their divorce lawyer; some will be blue because they looked around to see everyone happier than they are; others feel sad because the phone did not ring or because they received no cards, candy, flowers or gifts

I did not spend V-day with my hunny; I did not make it a big 'one-day' extravaganza - neither did she; some speed bumps on the road recently - none causing a crash - but cause to slow down and check the map to see where we are going

consultation with one's navigator is important to keeping the car on the road, the right road and to confirm we are both headed to the same destination; sometimes it is good to change drivers and switch the navigation role; perspectives change though it is still the same trip - sometimes it can feel like an arduous journey, sometimes a great adventure with as many twists and turns as that road to Hana

some of that might be explained as 'early days', things done 'before' or 'after' V-day are far more important, things yet to come, the weekend ahead . . all apply

is the perfect set of skills, talents, features and appeal all wrapped up in one person we can call sweetheart?

considering responses from musers yesterday, comments from my friends at Toastmasters (our club is a singles-only group) last night, there are strong feelings expressed among those of us in the quest, in the hunt, on the search

but questing for what, hunting what prize, searching for whom?

discussion yesterday would suggest to me those of us in the search . . and those of us who think our searching might be over (if ONLY that other party would come ‘round to our way of thinking!) do, for the most part, believe that magic can be found and maintained AND that being single at this point in our lives does not mean the absence of romance, caring and love

maybe we are just drinking the kool-aid, but most of my single connections tell me they feel far more joy in their life today than they did on V day in their previous marriages, relationships etc.

I found it interesting, or maybe I was just being less observant; yesterday the evidence of V-day excitement in the coupled world seems to show itself everywhere – busy flower shops, candy stores and restaurants yet I did not talk to anyone yesterday who was oo-ahing about what they were doing or what their partner had done to mark the occasion; this is not to say there are not many couples out there who make it V-day every day or that those who make a big production of V-day are bereft of magic the rest of the time . . .

intellectually I want to ‘accept things the way they are’, emotionally I want it ‘the way I want it’, philosophically I want to be affected, expanded and enriched by what goes on, by and through my life with as little deep pain as possible, spiritually I am unsure of the ground because that is a part of me I shun exploring (yet some tell me I am deeply in it)

some things are impossible, but we explore them anyway

some things are improbable, but we explore them anyway

some things are possible but crazy, but we explore them anyway

the best thing I did for myself yesterday was to take a call and to listen; I’ve been doing too much talking lately, so listening to someone special telling me they want to join me exploring the path to see where it takes us . . that was good

magic is never assured, but there is a mutual desire to make some magic together for a while; a while might turn into a while longer, a while longer might turn into a great long while

somewhere, there is a cord tied to a heart; somewhere, there is a heart that beats; somewhere, there is a smile; somewhere there are hearbeats that listen to the roar of the surf, forever and always

two people don’t have to be matched in views, circumstances, direction or speed to make magic

there are always memories of fabulous V-days past, memories of fabulous ones we wished for whether they happened or not; if it eluded you yesterday, there is always today

Mark Kolke
226,988
202.2