Musing

[written and published from Calgary]

-11C/12F, light snow still falling leaving a thin blanket - just enough to make everything look white and pure again, every hazard obscured ….. beach walking would be so much more fun today, in part for the waves pounding, in part for the urge to live in paradise

I was asked the other day if I would marry again; I responded to explain I have had 2 marriages that didn’t work, 1 great relationship with SC that worked pretty good until it didn't work, 2 other short spectacular beginnings that might have been good if they had a middle

I have no idea if I could do marriage again; risky business - aside from the pain-avoidance motivation, the thing that bothers me most about having another ‘near-death financial experience’ is that I don’t want to give up the richness, the flavour

add to those experiences with way too many coffee dates, lunch dates, blind-dates, sorta-dates, 1st dates that never got a 2nd, new friends, old friends, close friends, faraway friends – so many delightful people populate my ‘keeper-collection’ of friends; one might ask what I am looking for that is so elusive; I often wonder if what I seek is already there, woven into this tapestry of so many incredible people

but then again . .

… and on the other hand

when we are young, say 20, we(I did) lack two clues to rub together as to what a life, a future and a relationship looks like; every hazard imaginable in front of us and obscured by the view through our rose-tinted glasses; such was me on this day . . a long time ago

a long time ago, not far away, it was a dark and stormy night – but first, let me tell you about that day, 35 years ago today; do you remember where you were on this day?

it was cold (-25F) clear Saturday in Calgary; my head was a little woozy from the pub crawl the night before with Jeff & Bob & Pat - my real 'stand-up guys'; my hands were numb from taping plastic flowers to the clean dark green metallic paint of my dad’s Chrysler Newport; my new suit (thanks Ken) perfectly fit my 140 lb. 20 yr. old athletic frame, hair covered my head but not my frozen ears; dinner was rubber chicken with a Crackling Rose chaser, Penthouse Room at the Palliser followed by a harrowing drive to Banff in the heaviest snow storm in years; the day punctuated by photos before, during and after a ceremony of vows and promises at a church in Scarboro; as for the honeymoon trip and 5 day stay at the Banff Springs, yes, it was a dark and stormy night times 5; we scarcely got out of the hotel due to the heavy snow

in youth we make promises we cannot hope to keep, have dreams that are so incomplete; we vow to do things we do not comprehend – and we vow to do them for life

at 55 that would be far less scary I suppose because remaining 'life' is a shorter time frame; in theory, at mid life, recognizing promises we can keep vis-à-vis those we know we cannot, dare not, want not . . to keep is simpler

a relationship that works, someone warm who yearns to be with me at the end of each day, someone who can’t wait to greet me in the morning, someone who needs and wants a full life, a full partnership, a full load of joy mixed with good health, good stuff and good luck, a life with minimal skirmishes with disaster, injury, illness or discord; this would be nice, sure - I think so

but then again . .

… and on the other hand

does anyone need, do I need, another marriage?

my hindsight is 20/20, foresight is elusive – blurred by wishes, hopes, dreams, warmth and reciprocity . . enough to make everything look white and pure again, every hazard obscured

beach walking would be so much more fun today, in part for the waves pounding on the rocks (more hazards obscured), in part for the urge to live in paradise – now that would be worth a vow or two, covered with a thin blanket

whoever you are, wherever you are - it might be nice to plant a pair of beach chairs on a beach; days filled with "I am looking forward to seeing you and talking with you - possibly holding you etc, etc.", nights filled with waiting for the days, days filled with waiting for the nights etc. etc.

tomorrow, today, yesterday – every hazard obscured; risky business

hhmmm

Mark Kolke
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