Musing

[written and published from Calgary]

-10C/13F, mix of sun and cloud, Gusta romped off-leash quite disobediently; people keep telling me that obedience training (not sure if they mean dog or owner but it gives me the willies just to think of the collar around my neck . . too much bad karma) is what I need; I think I just need to watch, enjoy, follow, chase and play with my dog while knowing that as I get 1 year older, she ages 7 years . . . so about the time I am 60 she will be 49 and starting to slow down to my speed

surprise, a safe descriptor for my yesterday; my morning began with a surprise ending (a relationship), the afternoon brought chance encounters with an old classmate (KH from 8th grade) and my writing mentor (FD) who shared a coffee, offered some tips, told me of his new place at Owen Sound on Georgian Bay - great to see you Frank and the evening (MVP Advanced Toastmasters) brought unexpected perspective

when something important, valuable, joyous and beautiful comes along in my life there is, in the beginning, this great uncertainty; will it last, will it have lasting value, will it move me, will it change me, will it having lasting value, will it have a ‘best before’ date on the carton?

I am glad it happened, I am sad it is over because there is much to miss, much to treasure fondly, but I understand how its best before date lapsed; like my 8th grade classmate, a sweet memory but another example for my collection of memories when fire, or the wish for fire, alone was not enough; more than a fire, one also needs a fire-pit, lots of wood, lots of time to enjoy warm coals that remain long after intense heat subsides

we were both good to each other, both good for each other; both of us have had relationships which went on too long and hurt too much; in this case we’ve both been let out early; we got time off for good behaviour

some experiences are mistakes, but few

some experiences are errors in judgment, but few

some experiences are meant to last forever, but few

some experiences are like return visits to paradise, but few

some experiences are meant to change our life forever and always, but few

in terms of a lifetime, experiencing a few extraordinary spectacular women have influenced how I see the world

in terms of a life, few is a lot

few regrets in recent years – each adventure, dalliance, rendezvous and romp characterized by wide-eyed optimism in the beginning, laughter until laughter stopped, learning, teaching, touching, being touched – but for the most part not very deeply, not very long, not bad . . not life altering . . not all consuming – but I keep hoping, wishing, wondering: ‘can this be it?’

being pursued as opposed to being the pursuer was a different start; so many great qualities to admire, enjoy and revel in was its beginning; out of the ether arrived charm, grace and sweetness - fuel for a fire I fanned, but exothermic properties wane when fuel is reduced, when oxygen mixes with flame suppressing cloud; uncertainty, doubt, fears and reality invaded the scene

exchanges exploring depth, conviction, a point of view worth defending and the passion to defend it, deep understanding and the pursuit of what we are made of, the why of us, the who we are of us – these are elements which confound any fledgling relationship; the litmus test of going forward or of going away

locking up a long term relationship might not be in the cards for me; the perfect sentence is probably 5 to 10; not sure if that would be weeks, months or years; she has gone away, figuratively and literally; we each enjoyed a brief imprisonment with a notion long term magic would prevail but were not destined to be cellmates in that place very long

warm coals give way to weather; soot and ash wash away leaving something that could be re-lit in that place where the earth has burned a little, leaving a crater of sorts

most of us, probably do this, I know I do; I tend to build new fires in new places with new people to enjoy sitting around a fire-pit, be that a literal one or a visualization of what one would look like, where it would be and who would be huddled with me under a blanket looking up at the stars; it could be on a beach at a lake somewhere in New Brunswick, it could be sitting in a much larger circle around a volcano, it could be right around the corner

either way, combustion of any magnitude usually leaves some form of crater

we all need to see some craters if we are going to have a full life

Mark Kolke
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