Musing

[written and published from Calgary]

-4C/26F, overcast, sidewalks and streets through the neighbourhood are a choppy icefield; we found the plowed path along over the bridge and along the ridge(scroll down to see the view) was an easy walk until we got to stairmaster-hill where I opted not to be suicidal; we encountered those old-gal retrievers Julie and Mollie who lack patience to deal with Gusta

this date, at 2AM, 27 years ago a 10 lb, 8 oz. bundle of joy named Krista was born; her humour, competitiveness and love of sports has never wavered – neither has her father’s pride or love; happy birthday Krista

as any divorced parent surely does, my concern for my children's well-being goes beyond the usual hope/cheer/love/praise/admire stuff; it goes to the issues of 'how did we parent?', how could we have done it better, how could I have been a better dad and, of course, how could I have been a better husband/wife so the divorce would never have happened . . . ???

which is followed by how could I have made a different choice of mate?

which is followed by ‘what was I thinking?’

which is followed by ‘if I had chosen differently, I would have had different children with someone else’

which is followed by ‘but I love my kids, I wouldn’t want any others’

which is followed by ‘so how could I have helped them better then?’ and ‘how can I help them better now?’

I think of these issues often enough, but they seem to land in my mind and my belly more on birthdays; I wonder how could two ACOA parents have not seen our inevitable personal and inter-personal conflicts, foreseen the impact on our lives and our children from unresolved issues dooming our marriage, affecting our behaviour, affecting our parenting, affecting our children

we are not alone; the complexity of many family lives, relationships, divorces, non-divorces(people who stay together ‘for the children’)

to anyone with whom any of this resonates, I need to deal with my stuff, you get to deal with yours; my answers are not your answers . . we each need to figure ourselves out though I wonder if we are anywhere nearly as unique as we think we are

I think there is a broader context here that I have been thinking about a lot lately, and particularly this morning - a frustrating collision that opens old wounds, déjà vu pain without relief; this very familiar territory to most of us

can it be fixed?

is there a solution, a remedy, a potion, a medicine to make it better?

as I think about this, as I spend time trying to figure out someone else, trying to dissect the fine line between seeing someone’s chosen behaviour and their true nature - that I might be better off focusing on my own

what about my nature, my tendencies, my ‘way of being’ gets in the way of my relationships that I can control, fix, change . . etc . . how can my role in relationships change so I can produce a better result?

I keep wondering if it is about caring or about need; I keep pondering whether it is about understanding the other party or about understanding me

or both

I've read a lot of books on relationships and every time I wonder a book store I read the titles, thumb a few - sometimes I'll watch someone good on TV, or I listen to someone smart who knows lots because it is their profession - it seems to be a self driven perpetual motion machine to sell books and tapes, to sell couch time at the head shop - to support the notion we are ALMOST good enough to solve our problems but not quite . . for that we need help at $29/book or $90/hour . .

you, me, our children, our parents, our friends, our foes – we all have something in common; we all manage our relationships with one another; sure we have feelings – some of us even express them – but mostly we have relationships to manage

this involves only two elements we can control; the rest we cannot

our relationship with that person, and the relationship we have with ourselves

I used to think of these as two separate things that did not necessarily collide, but my view is shifting

I have had two many opportunities lately to observe people I know keeping these separate, at their peril, for these to be coincidences to ignore

I see friends and family members trying as hard as they are capable of getting someone else to change, getting someone else to change their view, to change how they deal with one another; in each case I see them failing notwithstanding sincere efforts because, as they try to change the inter-personal dynamics there seems to be an equal or larger resistance to changing ANY of the inner-personal dynamics

this is not simple denial

not just 'I don't need to change, he/she does' situation, but an illogical expectation that a relationship can change because two people agree it should when both parties do not change

instead of a healthier relationship emerging because some self-examination helped both get to a different place – not to find old scabs to pick, but to emerge with a fresh perspective; instead of that, old battles get relived, old scripts play out the same old way, old wounds get sore because some fresh punches are landed where pain has not healed

I need to get to a new place . . I think I am making good progress; I didn’t try harder sooner but I am trying harder now

I think my daughters are making better progress in their lives at their ages than I did in mine; they deal with things very differently than I did which I think is a really good thing

in so many ways I am so very proud of them; I need to tell them more often than I do

this is the ‘Family Day’ long weekend in Alberta . . . how fitting

Mark Kolke
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