Musing

today’s Musing written and published from south Calgary, near Fish Creek Park

10C/50F (high 19C), light breeze, early walk - band of cloud on the east horizon stopped the sun, like a goal-keeper, but as we returned the sun had climbed over that dark fence to illuminate everything, to light the sky, to show us the way all the way

when it comes, when it arrives, when someone important to us says or does something that addresses our needs, all the angst seems to evaporate in a second – in one sweet second – but until it does there is a longing for something; it goes well beyond the simple sight, touch, love and conversation – it means someone, without our prompting, showed us something we are looking for, delivered the goods as it were; we are always surprised and delighted when it arrives, down-a-quart when it doesn’t

someone wrote yesterday, replying to a condolence note; we are not close, he and I know each other in passing through business – his mother died, I wrote a note, he wrote back – a nice note, his mom would have been proud of his expression put down in keystrokes; my impression of him changed – it was all him, but it never would have shown up had I taken the easy way of sending a card or of the easiest, having not written at all

I’d written him about my rear-view mirror view of my mother; I couldn’t fake a profound sense of loss because I never had that feeling – but the view I have today is far less harsh, perhaps slightly wiser, as I look at life, motives and many elements that contribute to a better understanding of how our lives unfolded, of how we took the easy way; we chose conflict rather than harmony because it was easier than dealing with our issues, I see that now

I’ve also been pondering something else and, oddly, the same words to describe it fit so well with that e-mail exchange about mothers; or anyone else we have not connected with as well as we might have liked – when I have moments of wishing things were different, wishing things could be different, wishing someone would behave differently

wishing someone else would do something is such futility, waiting around for someone else to make a move when the person who should do something, say something . . is me

not because that action, that call, that expression of feeling never comes – of course it will come, it will come when it comes, it will come in the flavour and with the intensity that is ‘right for it’, but until it does there is no amount of ‘wishing it so’ that can produce anything of value from anyone else, unless of course I take the easy way

the easiest way to see someone is to go see them

the easiest way to love someone is by loving them

the easiest way to touch someone is to go touch them

the easiest way to get someone to talk is to call them

in many elements of my life, the easy way is always there – but not always the way I choose; I often choose other convolutions for reasons that always seem to make sense at the time, in the moment – but when I reflect, when I let the sun break through, then I get some illumination

the easy way is always there, sometimes it seems I need to pull myself through a knot-hole backwards first, but easy will always be there waiting for me when we’ve seen the light

Mark Kolke
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