Wednesday, July 25, 2007
caught a glimpse of her - Wednesday, July 25, 2007
today’s Musing written and published from south Calgary, near Fish Creek Park
14C/57F (high 23C), overcast, we walked around the lagoon, Gusta treating each water filled dip in the ground as her personal water dish – lots of stops; that done – a late start – a cloudy day - walking after a little rain
14C/57F (high 23C), overcast, we walked around the lagoon, Gusta treating each water filled dip in the ground as her personal water dish – lots of stops; that done – a late start – a cloudy day - walking after a little rain
rain of disappointment fails to drown my spirit, I slept on it; I slept alone again/still, nothing changed, I woke up alone/still - nothing changed, I went one more day of my life without someone incredible by my side - nothing changed
out of the sky, when we least expect it, a little rain and other things can hit us – sometimes they knock pretty hard; Gusta and I walked the long route near the park last night (cougar sightings make me want to avoid that portion of the park for now); light rain as we started, then hail - pea size followed by marble size - then the sky opened up to drench us – Gusta likes eating ice but she’d never had the cubes thrown down at her before
regret is a personal thing often linked to its cousin ‘self pity’ and its very distant relative ‘self loathing’; was it bad timing – not sure if any timing could have been better; no regrets – such a great little phrase, a meaningless one I think - who cares if I have regrets - what better timing is there than acting on the collision of gut, brain, experience – reveling in the moment?
I've wondered what I could do or have done to change any of it; said less, done less, said more, done more, felt differently, kept it a secret, kept it to myself, not bought flowers, played hard to get (OK, so I couldn’t do that one)- there were so many other options; it is possible I suppose - I could simply decide to take back my power from the external world – forego my ‘unmet needs’ to just expect or want nothing? . . a friend offered me some thoughts along those lines – good for mulling; just because I had expectations does not mean the world will spin my way, so why should I be upset?
a couple of weeks ago I met her - and, as all can see - nothing's changed; the next time (maybe I'm running out of chances of this happening) someone so spectacular crosses my path, maybe I'll just let her go by - that might be an easier path; I say that today because that is my mood at this moment knowing it is quite likely not going to be the case - but now, right now, for a while, I do not feel that enthusiasm that filled my sails
I realize what an easy path I walk; sometimes disappointments rain but, if only for a brief moment I caught a glimpse of joy, then the disappointment that something did not go my way - a very small price to pay for a glimpse of what might have been; threads of mine woven into someone’s life, some of theirs mixed with mine too - not many, not long – a brief splash of colour change, rainbow of sorts
it seems, we get what we get, not what we say we want; we get not what we deserve, we get what we get; we get a million choices every day – not one of them comes with a label saying ‘pick me, I’ll make your life perfect’, not one of them comes with a label saying ‘pick me, your life will be horrid if you do’; not one of them can be chosen by anyone else for anyone else – I love that about life, I struggle with it, but I love it
a fresh breeze blew in, what remains is not called regret, what remains is simply choices
sometimes that happens after a little rain
Mark Kolke
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