Musing

[written and published from south Calgary, near Fish Creek Park]

-1C/31F, clear and calm; a duck-less lagoon is a still mirror, grass is aching to get green but it continues to be blanketed white, Gusta growls at obnoxious looking guy, traffic hums

I have the sound track in my car, I was listening to it yesterday instead of the radio; last night I was watching TV . . the movie is one I've watched parts of many times but always fell asleep through it at one point or another but last night I watched it all . . . Out of Africa . . as much about relationships as anything I’ve seen in a long time – or maybe just because I saw some things I am currently dealing with unfold; actually I think SC is more like Dennis, I a more like Karen . . but neither of us are coffee farmers or safari guides; the scenery of Africa and music I love are gripping backdrops for a story of separation and rejoining, of spectacular enthusiasm – of nothing mundane or inane – just smart dialogue and flawed characters, real characters, endearing characters

if I could have adventures like that I could never complain; I don’t need Africa . . I have Maui, I don’t need enduring love and tortured romance . . but I want it, I don’t need anyone to love, I don’t need anyone to love me . . I don’t need any of this; but I desire it so, it feels so good to feel it so; I am not trying to play out my life like an old movie . . but feel like I am writing a new one from personal experience – part thriller, part romance novel, part ‘the zen of yard maintenance’, part dream, part reality, part impossibility, part Casablanca, part film noir, part black & white, less technicolor than ‘spectacucolour’, less about cooking and about what’s cookin’
I was talking recently with someone who was whining about how they did not have what they wanted in their life, had not found ‘the person’ or the situation that would bring them fulfillment, not found what they were questing for, not expecting to and have resigned themselves to never finding it; not the first time I’ve heard those sentiments, surely it won’t be the last time; maybe some of that was a catalyst for examining where I am, what I have and what I need

‘I need little and want for little’ is cliché; I need lots and want for lots; every day I dream of this or that, wish for more and like a good mouse, I get on the wheel and spin and spin; I sometimes have periods where I seem to be doing just that – spinning my wheels – but mostly I don’t have that kind of experience; I find that I make real progress because of what I will/won’t do, what I am searching for/avoiding, by the desire to say yes being muted with more frequent use of NO; I choose what I allow into my life, I choose what I welcome into my life . . . so do you

I am in need of money and things to take care of the things that sustain me but have no greedy ambitions for wealth but I do have greedy ambitions for having and maintaining a different kind of wealth; a cynic might suggest I lost it and have been living without it so long I’ve gotten used to it . . . so can you

I may never live my dreams but if that is the case it won’t be because I did not pursue them, did not make myself open and available to it; I’ve made the mistake of not being receptive to it before and I resolve never to be in that mode again

I am far from prosperous, but much more comfortable than I have in many years; I am rich with people in my life, rich with things to do I love to do, places I love to be, people I love to be around, doing things I get something out of, things I can put myself into . . . you can too

I don’t know if I am chasing a rainbow, a dream, a fiction, a wish, or a chance to turn back the clock . . maybe a bit of each – but I am chasing something, I am chasing a dream

nothing is certain, of this I am certain; when nothing is ventured, nothing is gained, when nothing is risked there is rarely reward, without a destination there can be no journey

Mark Kolke
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