Musing

[written and published from Calgary]

-3C/27F, calm, clearing; what remains of yesterday’s snow dump mostly icy ruts now so our walk through the neighbourhood and park tested balancing skills, no critters but Gusta had to sniff where they had all been; returning to a flurry of activity here, everyone getting cars out of the garage sweeping day - surely spring weather must follow!

I missed meetings I wanted to attend, failed to get some important things done, missed a few errands . . oh well; the day was long and fruitful - I flopped in a chair about 9PM exhausted, exhilarated - a full day, a fun day, a productive day, a day of hectic pace - I wondered if it had been a day of learning; you know what I mean - a day filled with 'ah-hah' moments, a eureka or two, or at least some element of the human experience teaching me something; did I have one of those?

I did, without question . . it was a powerful one

I have friends far and wide; married friends, single friends - men and women - each of us doing our part to make something work with somebody or searching for the next somebody to attempt to make things work; invariably it is difficult on various levels for everyone, more some days than others; I've been challenged to think about this more lately by my discussions with several people; each has a different issue with their partner-du-jour or the potential one around the corner or with me; I've noticed common denominators of stress, fear of stress, fear of losing themselves (or of losing themselves again), fear of losing, fear of what things would be like if/when they are truly alone, risky business either way

truly alone is great in one way, lousy in most of the others; long term solitary-ness must be good for something, but I've failed to discover it; lots of great friends make it easier but crawling into bed at the end of the day without someone to touch feels very empty sometimes; not all the time, but it did last night

I have freedom of choice; self-centred, sell-agrandizing, self-indulgent . . sometimes, yes – but also full of opportunities to explore the breadth of what I can do, what I can accomplish, risky business yes, but my risk, my risk-reward continuum – the solitary single lifestyle is not as much about risk avoidance, in fact it can be fraught with risk, but it rarely involves much risk transfer to others

risk transfer, a term I encounter a lot in my work, is sometimes an incalculable element of a transaction, sometimes intangible . . often glossed over . . but it is there in every relationship in business where a transaction of any kind is contemplated; I have been wondering if the term/concept fits well for personal relationships; when and how does this risk transfer occur then, hhmm? is it at the moment of meeting or before that, is it when values collide in hot debate or is it at some later date when lives get connected somehow? . . when does 'no risk' become 'real risk' and, perhaps more importantly, is having any relationship that does not have risks and risk transfer really worth investing any of our time or energy at all?

for the most part, I think men see it as a 'down the road thing', something that becomes clearer in their mind when reminded of previous debacles, lawyer bills and terms like division of assets and decree nisi etc.; whereas for women (based on my personal research) I think the risk transfer begins much earlier - somewhere between 'first contact' and a feeling of intimacy (in any of its forms) there is a 'risk transfer' event that MIGHT occur; it need not occur, it need not ever occur . . but it might and of this they fear, about this they worry; we should worry about it less and talk about it more . .that might be helpful

I was pondering last night; I pine for a connection that yields the ingredients I seek, one that doesn’t mess with my lifestyle; I pine for time, place, person and human-ness to collide with someone headed where I am headed, destined to walk a path together or at least to collide for a while in some state of joyousness

yet when I say these things or write them down it's as if there is a little fellow sitting on my shoulder saying 'oh gag me!' . . my history not necessarily demonstrating I am good at any of this . . but I keep trying to learn; I hope you have a great learning day . . I'll try too

Mark Kolke
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