Musing

[written and published from Calgary]

6C/43F, early morning overcast giving way to sunshine; oblivious to busy traffic Gusta wanted to play there – so our morning walk was abbreviated; we walked a long time last night; we went as far as we could into the park, as far as footwear and un-melted snow on steep hills would permit; ‘stay out of the muck’ I recited like a mantra, but wet dirty dog ignored her wiser elder . . . doing what she wanted, knowing I was powerless to stop her

yesterday was a great day - the gracious kind forgiveness of someone I am getting to know brightened my day as did the easy good humour and word choice of someone who intrigues me - things I might never have noticed a while ago; it was a good busy work day too

I would not have noticed at 10 or 20 or 50 . . but I notice now; tomorrows come and go, but yesterday stays with us forever; I'm not talking about memories or their value or about learning from the past - that's another vent for another day - but what I am getting at
is this - do we help or diminish the value of our day, our next day, our next week or our next year based on our perception of the value of yesterday?

tomorrow and beyond tomorrow . . these are days to look forward to, to revere, to anticipate, to plan for, to work for, to imagine what they will be; the past is locked, its outcome certain . . but our view of it can change every day - is THIS, right now, the best time of my life, of yours, of his, of hers . . or was it that thing called 'yesterday' (not intended to be a Beatles song cue . .but . . whatever)?

putting things on my calendar has become habit; I note people's birthdays, anniversaries of surgeries or something great we started one day; I note the day I meet someone, sometimes I note the day I say good bye; I note family days and friend days . . sometimes not, but often I do that . . not because I worry about forgetting the experience or forget the person but because I want the reminder of the day it happened; today has no notations on my calendar . . but tomorrow does

some people believe (they must believe it because that is the perspective they reflect in what they say and how they live) that the best parts of life are behind them, that it is all downhill from here; if we are talking physical health, strength, endurance in a foot race, then I can see the argument that youth is the best, but at this stage of my life . . I cannot imagine anything better than now except, perhaps, the next forty years because I intend to make them better yet

I don’t think the quality of my day, my life or my expectations have anything to do with anything else; my life is as good as I choose to make it . . as I choose to see it – the same holds true for my future but the past is another matter

one of the things I like best about this stage of my life is that my knee jerks slower (it still jerks, but without the immediacy), my need to apologize for my actions or words seems less frequent but my recognition of it an action to apologize has improved a great deal . .
(perhaps memory of my mother's skill with sarcasm . .as pointed as a skewer, as sharp as a carving knife to slice the next victim) . . . I do it less, but eradication seems impossible; my calendar notation for tomorrow reminds - you see 8 years ago today my dad visited my mother in the hospital for the last time

she left me with only a portion of the chip she carried on her shoulder, she ingrained me with the sarcasm gene; she bore me, fed and watered me . . she told me to 'stay out of the muck' but mostly in childhood and even more later, I ignored her, ignored my wiser elder (OK, so the 'wiser' part was something I challenged unrelentingly from age 11 till her death) - I lived and did what I wanted . . and she was powerless to stop me; YES, if I was speaking these words I would be soft in my tone, smiling and somewhat reverent . . anger of adolescence long past, angst of a relationship most kindly described as 'strained' is 8 years behind me now, but these thinga are never really behind us, they are part of our 'yesterday', they are part of every part of us . . .

some things need remembering, some need forgetting, some drift away, some need a fresh look now and again; the best parts of our lives could be youth, the present, the future or after death but I’m sure the same criteria could be used for relationships –the stages would be ‘when they happen’, ‘when they are over’, ‘after they are over’ and ‘after death’; makes me wonder if the best part of life is behind us, around the next corner we turn tomorrow or way down the road somewhere warm where ocean and palm trees meet?



tomorrow has a notation on it already – and I suspect that tomorrow, I will make another notation of a worthy milestone to record for future reflection

today, I would like to write a poem for someone to read; you know, something to have handy to while away time one day while waiting for a tow if I get a flat I can't fix - something to read again and again, or maybe someone will write me one

yesterday was more than just a single day, but 'all the times that have passed', collectively they are 'yesterday'; today, I will write words and cook a meal, feed a friend and a thousand other things I want to do before tomorrow comes; tomorrows come and go, but yesterday stays with us forever

tomorrow I will read my words and eat leftovers

Mark Kolke
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