Musing

Hi Mark. I have started receiving your Musings and am not sure if I know you. Have we met?, NS, Toronto

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Aloha kakahiaka Po'akahi! From the sounds of that last Musing....you may experience an *amazing* shift if you decide move to Hawaii! Enjoy another busy week Mark may it be happy and prosperous. ...just felt like how my life *was* and how it is *not* in Hawaii. Of course we are all in different places in our lives ... perhaps I would have had my shift even in NY... and you would have the same view of life here in the islands who knows? Just feeling :) Enjoy the day my friend, Aoha, GR, Haiku

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As a mother, I am left to wonder, do all of our sons never tell us what their expectations are, leaving us mothers to guess? If we knew, possibly we could meet more expectations. Obviously I never knew your mother Mark, I just ache in sympathy, suspecting that she and you both wanted a different mother/son relationship. I am intrigued by your comments about the 11- 14 year stage of life. We do not know your situation, Mark, but some of us out here have lives that were not enhanced when someone was busy proving that they had differentiated from their parents. Too often at 11 to 14 kids can think that they have differentiated when they refuse to send time with their families, cutting off family relationships. Healthy differentiation from parents does not leave lasting scars. Mark, I hope that you receive from your daughters the respect and affection that generations in my family have shown toward their parents. And there was no evidence of lack of differentiation either. But then, I and they lived in times when 12 year olds were understood to be in process, people were expected to be able to change throughout the course of their lives, and no authority figure was demanding evidence that 12 year olds had fully differentiated before leaving Grade 7. LHE, Calgary

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In response to my reply: . . I am surprised and I want to clarify this right away. I wasn't thinking or feeling any of those ugly things, and did not understand that the words could be taken that way. I would definitely have changed the words to avoid this result. And you've never met me either. I expect that you don't intend to judge and this might be the first time that anyone has suggested that I am pompous. The very fact of difference does not imply judgment. I expect you are NOT among the many people who suggest that a happy childhood is the "new" taboo or is just strange. From your musings I know that you recognize that people's life experiences are different. The part about telling our mothers about our expectations wasn't intended to refer to 12 year olds. I was thinking and hoping that in my life (I wrote "As a mother") communication between sons (such as mine) and mothers (including me) can lead to better mutual understanding. Most of the mother-son experience is lived when sons are adult, which is where my family is now. Then I intended to start another thought related to the 11 to 14 age group. I regret not starting a paragraph to indicate change to another idea. When the musings reminded me about the 11 to 14 age, I was painfully reminded that when my sons were 12 and 13 I stupidly did not take action when action was required. I thought that both they and I were unaffected and then realized that was not the case. The resulting fallout affects several lives negatively today. I hope that you believe that I neither thought nor felt any of those ugly things. I am painfully surprised. If my words were unthinking or insensitive, please accept my heartfelt apology, LHE, Calgary