Musing

[written & published at Kamaole Sands, Kihei, Maui]

this morning began in silence; just as I was heading out the door at 5:29 some birds started their day; mostly sunny today except for the smoke plume from the fire, high around 81F at the shore, south wind at 10mph, 20% chance of rain

as breathtaking in its own way as the road to Hana, roads littered with rocks and road-
roosters and signs of 5 m.p.h. in places you dare not go that fast . . awesome; yesterday's
adventure was a drive around the north part of the island (emboldened by my Hana-
adventure) intrepid driver went past all the resorts of the north . .Kanapali, Kapalua etc,
past the views of Molokai to the west [scroll down to picture] I kept going as the road
narrowed, traffic diminished and views got better . . . and better and, as I said, the roads
got narrower; at several points the 1-lane bridge was wider than the road, 'rock on road' is literal as opposed to a warning, the word ROAD is highly interpretive, switch backs are
180 degree immediately followed by 180 degree and passing is a challenge requiring
someone to back up 1/8th of a mile or so till 2 vehicles can squeeze past each other ... in
search of banana bread - I must have been since every curve seemed to have a sign in gaudy colours saying 'Julia's best banana bread on the planet ___ miles ahead' so, meet Julia I did; I left quickly when she told me the school bus would soon be coming from the way I was going .

I stumbled a few times in dim light but mostly I could see my way by the reflective surface of the waves against the flat dullness of the sand

this morning’s walk was the most spectacular yet; early, dark, moonless, clear – the fire smaller but very intense on its southward leading edge with red and orange leaping into the night; the first part of the walk affected by lights of buildings and beach houses . . then nothing . . nothing at all, except my view of ½ the universe with stars looking so close I should reach up and touch them

a debate about trade-offs, compromise, settling, alternatives . . plays out in my head; what is so good that we would not trade it, what is worth going without because other things are so good; this is not about where to live, how to work, who to love, when to say whoa – this is about anything anywhere anytime

I think we search for answers wherever we are with whatever skills we have; if being happy, self-evolved, fulfilled and completely satisfied was easily found then why would we attend lectures, buy books, travel to mystical places? . . why would painters paint, sculptors sculpt and lovers love?

finding enlightenment, finding indescribable joy, finding the centre of ourselves is not, in my view, a task as much as a purpose; a purpose for living thoroughly

but . . . when we find that moment of joy, that sliver of peace, that taste of what matters most . . . do we want to do it together with someone or is it enough to be just there . . among the road roosters and taro-root paddies at a roadside stand eating the best banana bread on the planet

to those of you who are ‘along for the ride’ on my trip, it gives me a lot of pleasure to share my experiences with you, with 7000+ of you . . but most of all I want to share these experiences with one person

is that someone I know already, someone just around the corner I’ve not met yet or is that person an elusive ‘never to be found’ mysterious enigma

finding her, I have concluded, is part of finding me; not because I want to stop searching for answers (I think I has a few hundred thousand more hours of searching in me), but because I want to share the journey

if we share the journey with someone who is not engaged in the search but simply ‘along for the ride’, is that a compromise, a choice, a duty, a mistake?

if we share the journey by compromising our ability to find the joy, sacrificing elements which are important to us (and to our co-traveler) then what are we losing?

those I love are not with me on this trip, but they share in my journey

some of those I love share my DNA, some share my dreams, some share my views, some share my time, some share things I don’t see

can we find all those things we need in one person; for that we need to look at our reflection in a mirror and ask ‘could someone find all they need in me?’

I expect not, hope not, want not – not because I don’t feel worthy to give all of me to someone to have what they want from me – I cannot imagine someone I care about being limited to having all their needs in life met by one person, by any person – least of all by me

I think we all need more than one person in our lives; first, we need to love ourselves, next we need to love someone who matters more to us than ourselves (this is not limited to family), next we need to love those who love us, next we need to love those who don’t care for us at all just because we can, next we need to love those where everything is impossible . . because we want to and need to

I stumbled a few times in dim light but mostly I could see my way by the reflective surface of the waves against the flat dullness of the sand; I think life and love are like that too – sometimes the differences between a safe choice, a dangerous choice or one where we simply stumble getting a little wet and getting our hands dirty comes with the territory

no one decides for me, I decide for no one

Aloha

Mark Kolke
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