Musing

11C/52F, calm in sparking sunshine, lots of joggers & lap dog walkers this morning; my mood unsettled, my pace faster than usual; a confluence of much on my mind, on my plate & drained a bit from yesterday’s workshop

I have identified a true gem – due diligence underway - a diamond, no doubt a gem for someone to treasure, a real gem, a killer smile

some people are like a rugged rock, some are pretty stones - fewer still genuine diamonds, real gems with many facets of clarity, of cut, of colour; more or less

BS in Edmonton; GEM, an advocate, teacher, survivor, mentor, tower of strength, wife & mother to 1 husband & 3 boys who could not possibly do better than to have her, colleague & friend had the good fortune to be born on this day; many of us have had the good fortune to know you – you are truly one of those gems – happy birthday Barbara

I woke this morning debating about making a call (early calls won’t wake the dead but they certainly annoy the living) or about just driving right over; instead, I waited past nine to call

I worry too much about an 84 yr. old reasonably healthy man who lives alone; like me, he could call someone, press the emergency button in his condo or ring 911 if there was something wrong

but what if he cannot get to the phone, what if he is dead already?

my worst fear – for me or for him, is for me or for him to die alone?

this feeling shows up 2 to 3 times a year when, notwithstanding efforts to connect, I am out of touch with him for a few days, compounded by his reluctance/forgetting to leave a recorded message if/when he calls me back; not gamesmanship or anything manipulative on his part nor fear of technology but, I think, a failure to see the importance of confirming to his son that he is in fact alive & well!

I call him every day so he’ll know I’m OK; if I miss him he should call back; that is at the root of it, more or less

I called my dad last night, I called him at lunch time, I called him mid-morning & I called him on my way home from the workshop too; each time no answer, each time I left a message – each time he did not call back – my thoughts were that he did not notice the flashing red light on his phone, or his slightly failing memory failed him, or his declining ability to reason things out was the cause – or he was too busy doing whatever he was doing (as it turns out he was) or that he was trying to elicit more concern & involvement from me; the roiling debate in my head – never verbalizing the real fear that runs through it all, that he might be dead or dying on the floor, unable to come to the phone; that’s it, more or less

I thought last night & again this morning I should just drive over, just as I have a 3 or 4 times in the last 5 years when he has been ‘out of touch’ for a few days while remembering how silly I felt each time before when I opened the door to find none of my fears confirmed because he was out being the active guy that he is

I spoke with him at 9:30, he is fine of course; my worry all for naught

he was sleeping late after being out late; a late breaking invitation to a birthday party etc etc etc following his busy day, several mentions of ‘I didn’t want to call & bother you because I knew you were busy’ etc etc etc

whether or not we want to re-couple, he at 84 or me at 55; as long as we are alive we don't want to be alone when we are ill or low or feeling blue - the more I let go of a need to see him as different from me, the more I realize the many ways we are the same, more or less

is it that I want him to not be alone when his time comes or is it that I want to be there when he goes, or both?

I know how I feel about that; I expect he feels the same, more or less

Mark

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