Musing

-2C/28F, overcast – lots of wet snow overnight & still falling – Gusta had a ball

it would have been better if I was more focused earlier, but I wasn’t & that’s that

recalling my first readings of philosophy; I was in high school, the writer was Bertrand Russell . . . no matter . . . my reason for going to the library was to chat up a very attractive classmate Dixie Bowerman who I thought would be interested in me if she thought I was really smart & interested in philosophy

her lack of interest was disappointing

however, I was spending time in a library

ill-equipped to understand most of what I was reading, complex text & lack of understanding/perspective of a 16 yr. old the cause, I remember trying so hard to glean meaning - not just from Russell, but from Nietzsche & Goethe & Huxley & others too

lack of experience & a childhood that did not expose me to critical thinking were perhaps the cause of my failure to grasp important concepts

it caused me to doubt my intelligence, thinking ‘how can I achieve anything great in life, in career, in school if I cannot understand this stuff?’

or maybe I just wanted to get the girl ?

looking back I am not so sure it was a need to feel smarter or a need to be recognized, but the lack of smarts I felt at that point held me back . . I know it did

‘The main things which seem to be important on their own account, and not merely as means to other things, are knowledge, art, instinctive happiness, and relations of friendship or affection.’ – Bertrand Russell

I am focused now, I understand what is important . . . Dixie, where are you ?

work waits but it won’t wait long

Mark

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