Sunday, August 14, 2005
Sunday Aug. 14, 2005 - Year 3, Day 147 - perhaps a sweet September
Gusta visited with Zack, she seems to like older males . . .but then again doesn’t everyone; but alas, it is just puppy love
13C, gorgeous morning, calm – we walked undisturbed
a 9 hole fun tournament with some Toastmasters yesterday was a blast; looking forward to next year
now home with a golden retriever foot warmer sleeping under my desk, I must get to work
but first I need to feed 4400 in-boxes
need to feed my need to write
from my belly most times, but some days I need to reach deeper; this one from my toes:
not alone, but lonely
not melancholy, but lonely
not unhappy, but lonely
clear, focused, driven; but lonely
I focus on microscopic truth telling – I fail often – but I try harder
on the subject of lonely . . loneliness, I fudge a little, I skirt the truth, I hedge my bets as if hoping that with a stiff upper lip + some bravado no one will notice
imagination is fuelled with a delicious recipe of fantasy, hopes, dreams & energy – mine has become more fertile than ever lately; by simply imagining how some things might work out, I have generated the momentum to make them happen
if I can do this at work, why not at play ? why not use the tools that make things happen in commerce to make things work in my personal life ?
being ‘between positions’ is not fun . . .
but this condition is not simply cured by sending notes ‘Monica, please come visit. Regards, Bill ’
talking, it would seem, it seems to be ‘not done’ , it seems to be politically incorrect; in middle aged dating parlance, that bugaboo is the admission of loneliness
to talk about or to define LONELY - it’s just not done !
while saying it out loud does not mean failure in any form, but anticipation of reactions in others would make it seem so; do you know anyone who is lonely ? do they admit it ?
we single folk in the mid 30’s - mid 60’s spin so much yarn of full lives, circles of friends & busy schedules, full plates of work, play, family, travel, interests, hobbies ad naseum
some of us mask it with humour, some of us mask it with outrageous behaviour or extreme sports; something that drains the body, pumps the adrenaline & distracts from the issue of the day
loneliness is not a state of mind as much as it is a circumstance
I think most of the rationalizations I encounter . . mine & others; we go to great extremes to fill available time with activity, fill conversations with intriguing ideas, questions & curiosity
at the heart of it, at the sole [pun intended for fellow walkers] of it, at the nub, at the hub, in the middle & of the whole there is this need for physical, intellectual & caring contact with someone who feels at least a little bit the same way
truth be told we all want it all – we want it in volume & reciprocal – and we want it now !
but in the meantime, a minute stolen, an hour borrowed, a brushed elbow, a touch . . . how powerful those can be
conversely, the hug from someone who avoids eye contact or a guest who chooses the lone chair vs. the couch, these false gestures leave me cold & disaffected; half measures leave me empty, disinterested & ready to gag
I cannot imagine anything bringing joy that is not full throttle & reciprocated
my world is whirring . . . much to do, some new things generating interest & momentum, some old things getting refined; still the mystery woman of my future eludes me but I know she is out there somewhere
I have had a few encounters recently with musers who have asked to meet me + chance meetings with new prospects around a few corners + the ongoing perusal of internet dating sites [and DK, I thought you were fixing me up on a blind date ?? .. you’ve been conspicuously silent my friend]
I have been connecting more & better with women from this musing gene pool of late . . . I should perhaps articulate my wish list . . . so anyone interested in me would know . .
I would like to invite an incredibly whole 44ish to 58ish strong bright woman, dog friendly, cat averse, golfer, non smoker & intolerant of country music; women who might be right for me should be attractive to me & vice-versa, they should have a well developed mind that gets regular exercise & love to hang out on a Sunday morning
I had hopes/wished/fantasized a bit about a sweet summer romance, but alas, it appears not to be happening; maybe I should wish for a sweet September
I fail often – but I try harder
many thanks JF, you sent a gem !
Mark
13C, gorgeous morning, calm – we walked undisturbed
a 9 hole fun tournament with some Toastmasters yesterday was a blast; looking forward to next year
now home with a golden retriever foot warmer sleeping under my desk, I must get to work
but first I need to feed 4400 in-boxes
need to feed my need to write
from my belly most times, but some days I need to reach deeper; this one from my toes:
not alone, but lonely
not melancholy, but lonely
not unhappy, but lonely
clear, focused, driven; but lonely
I focus on microscopic truth telling – I fail often – but I try harder
on the subject of lonely . . loneliness, I fudge a little, I skirt the truth, I hedge my bets as if hoping that with a stiff upper lip + some bravado no one will notice
imagination is fuelled with a delicious recipe of fantasy, hopes, dreams & energy – mine has become more fertile than ever lately; by simply imagining how some things might work out, I have generated the momentum to make them happen
if I can do this at work, why not at play ? why not use the tools that make things happen in commerce to make things work in my personal life ?
being ‘between positions’ is not fun . . .
but this condition is not simply cured by sending notes ‘Monica, please come visit. Regards, Bill ’
talking, it would seem, it seems to be ‘not done’ , it seems to be politically incorrect; in middle aged dating parlance, that bugaboo is the admission of loneliness
to talk about or to define LONELY - it’s just not done !
while saying it out loud does not mean failure in any form, but anticipation of reactions in others would make it seem so; do you know anyone who is lonely ? do they admit it ?
we single folk in the mid 30’s - mid 60’s spin so much yarn of full lives, circles of friends & busy schedules, full plates of work, play, family, travel, interests, hobbies ad naseum
some of us mask it with humour, some of us mask it with outrageous behaviour or extreme sports; something that drains the body, pumps the adrenaline & distracts from the issue of the day
loneliness is not a state of mind as much as it is a circumstance
I think most of the rationalizations I encounter . . mine & others; we go to great extremes to fill available time with activity, fill conversations with intriguing ideas, questions & curiosity
at the heart of it, at the sole [pun intended for fellow walkers] of it, at the nub, at the hub, in the middle & of the whole there is this need for physical, intellectual & caring contact with someone who feels at least a little bit the same way
truth be told we all want it all – we want it in volume & reciprocal – and we want it now !
but in the meantime, a minute stolen, an hour borrowed, a brushed elbow, a touch . . . how powerful those can be
conversely, the hug from someone who avoids eye contact or a guest who chooses the lone chair vs. the couch, these false gestures leave me cold & disaffected; half measures leave me empty, disinterested & ready to gag
I cannot imagine anything bringing joy that is not full throttle & reciprocated
my world is whirring . . . much to do, some new things generating interest & momentum, some old things getting refined; still the mystery woman of my future eludes me but I know she is out there somewhere
I have had a few encounters recently with musers who have asked to meet me + chance meetings with new prospects around a few corners + the ongoing perusal of internet dating sites [and DK, I thought you were fixing me up on a blind date ?? .. you’ve been conspicuously silent my friend]
I have been connecting more & better with women from this musing gene pool of late . . . I should perhaps articulate my wish list . . . so anyone interested in me would know . .
I would like to invite an incredibly whole 44ish to 58ish strong bright woman, dog friendly, cat averse, golfer, non smoker & intolerant of country music; women who might be right for me should be attractive to me & vice-versa, they should have a well developed mind that gets regular exercise & love to hang out on a Sunday morning
I had hopes/wished/fantasized a bit about a sweet summer romance, but alas, it appears not to be happening; maybe I should wish for a sweet September
I fail often – but I try harder
many thanks JF, you sent a gem !
Mark
342,148
